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"Too Functional"

Lise07Senior Contributor31 July 2019, 9:31 am AEST

"Too Functional"

I feel like the "better" I seem to be coping with depression-like symptoms, the more the space they had been taking up gets filled with an existential ennui which feels different but is no less bothersome. I'm outwardly a very functional person - I have a good job, hobbies, friends, and a relationship - but unless I have some "big challenge/crisis" to manage in my life I don't know who I am.

I've tried talking with my girlfriend about this and she's made very good suggestions (e.g. "think about yourself as an evolving being, not a fixed entity", and "make some small goals even if you're not super passionate about them") and I agree with them, intellectually, but thinking about it too much gives me a horrible sinking feeling as if someone is grabbing my insides and slowly pulling them down. If my life were a landscape there have been either flat plains (depression) or steep narrow valleys (obsessions with studies, or fitness, or putting myself in challenging situations which almost always become unhealthy), and outside of those two things there are just cliffs and bottomless craters.

On top of this I feel ridiculous thinking about it. Either there is something quite wrong with me (but not "wrong enough" if I can still appear to be functional), or else - which is worse - that everyone feels like this but just gets on with it, and I'm the only one who's bothered enough by it it feel like doing something drastic is the only solution.

4 replies

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In response to: "Too Functional"

TeejSenior Contributor31 July 2019, 10:15 am AEST

Re: "Too Functional"

Hi @Lise07 👋 Welcome to the forum.

Im not sure that I’m the same as you (I’m not that functional) but I think I have a bit of an understanding of what you are talking about.

I have some serious identity issues that I’m working through. Some days it rips me to pieces as well.

For a long time I struggled with counselling because I would be told that the stuff I was struggling with is existential stuff and I would feel highly insecure and upset about it because for me the things I needed help with didn’t feel like they were existential but more finding identity.

I’m pretty sure it is not a ‘you’ thing at all but something maybe that many of us feel trying to fill that void or hole within us. I’ve found a good psychiatrist now who gets all this part of me. It has helped lots. I’m not anywhere near understanding who I am but I feel like I’m taking steps toward it.

One of the things that has helped a bit is maybe not having goals because I get tied up in them. I’ve started to try to live by values more. This has it’s pitfalls too as I overthink this too much at times.

Lastly something that I think is helping on many days is just trying to be present, doing the not overwhelming internalising stuff but more physically going outside and noticing the clouds, and colours in the sky, the landscape, nature, planes and their speed, the traffic and pretty much anything. I usually always get to smile for a bit at the antics of my dog. I’ve recently even done it in the dark. For me it is quite grounding and helps take away the intense overthinking everything that I do. The simple things sometimes help the most.

This is how I related to your post and I don’t know if it helps. I hope that you can find something helpful from sharing this post.

Best wishes 💜😊

In response to: Re: "Too Functional"

Lise07Senior Contributor31 July 2019, 11:05 am AEST

Re: "Too Functional"

Thanks @Teej. Reading your post made me feel a little bit understood, and I found it calming.

I certainly can become so caught up in goals that it consumes me and defines me. I might be utterly miserable trying to achieve the goal, but at least it's something. It's a habit I've only fairly recently realised I have, so it's probably natural for me to now be in the state of "this is problematic but I don't know yet how to fix it".

I also really struggle with being present. I often feel like I'm walking around in a fog, or just piloting a body. I will make an effort to try the things you suggested 🙂

PS Trying to write and edit posts on mobile is a nightmare - it keeps posting before I'm done!

In response to: "Too Functional"

Ali11Senior Contributor31 July 2019, 6:43 pm AEST

Re: "Too Functional"

Hi @Lise07,

Just writing to say we hear the restlessness expressed in your post and wanted to clarify what you mean when you say 'doing something drastic is the only solution'. What would this look like for you?

You have already received some great suggestions on things that may help. If you are interested in techniques to help with grounding you might also like this guide to mindfulness. Wishing you well.

In response to: Re: "Too Functional"

Lise07Senior Contributor31 July 2019, 7:09 pm AEST

Re: "Too Functional"

Ah yes, I should have realised that would get flagged. I feel a bit sheepish now as I'm in a much better mood than this morning.

I meant it in a general sense - I often get the feeling that I should drastically change my life (move countries, change jobs, quit drinking, take up drinking...). Sometimes those thoughts are quite dark but there's no real intent behind them.

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