karen1Casual Contributor
Our Story
Hi all, I am new here and feeling somewhat overwhelmed with all, so I am sharing my story to try and relieve some of the anxiety I face daily as a lived experiences carer and hopefully hear from others who can relate.
Each day the one fear that haunts me is that my daughter will finally give up and give in.
Walking to her room it begins, the wondering what I will find when I open the door. Will it be SH, to release all of that built up tension and overwhelm or will the fog have finally taken her.
It is a process of making myself walk down the stairs of a morning, try her bedroom door, if it is locked the dread in me sinks lower. Then unlocking her door and psyching myself up to look around the doorway and standing there taking it in, my mind processing what I am looking at, good or bad. When all appears normal, standing there concentrating really hard on her body in bed to see if the covers are going up and down with her breathing or not. Then the immense relief that my beautiful baby that is now 19 has chosen life for another day.
What did she ever do to deserve such an existence at a time in her life that should involve being excited to be here.
Why should it have to be so hard for her, why should she have to fight the detrimental fog that is depression. Why should she have to suffer depression, anxiety and PTSD where her self worth is non existent.
Three years on and she is so tired of fighting it, so tired of the battle to the point where she has attempted suicide four times, and in the desperation of this begs me to just let her go as she has had enough, "Please Mum just let me go, please, I can't do it anymore, I am so tired of fighting it."
My answer is, "That is not an option my baby, I need you here, your brother and sister need you here, and until we can get you the strength and the self worth to want to be here for yourself, you have to be here for us and stay for us, as you leaving is not an option in our world, our world needs you."
So I fight for her, I find the strength and will for her, because she doesn't yet have that will and strength, her illness has stolen this from her at this point in her life. I fight on and I will get her there, it is just hard going living with the fear. Never as hard for me as it is for her, but it is hard.
