not in control

Hi @insomnibus

This is such a clear sight of your own mind.

There seems to be a divide for you, a splitting that perhaps served you well at one time in your life to protect you but that now needs to be brought together.

The clear eyed, good decison making living life is the one you want in charge of all of you. I understand the other part, the mean eyed sneaky hurt one, that watches and seems to sabotage and bugger things up and just waits for an opportunity when the clear-eyed in charge one is looking the other way to do something that ends up having bad consequences. I had such a split, and she caused all sorts of havoc (understanding 'she' was just part of me gone awry.

It is a wrestle with self, I saw this clearly in reading Ursula Le Guins The Wizard of Earthsea - where the character Ged finally faced his shadow, first fighting it, then embracing it, then brininging it inside with love and undertsanding. When I saw that laid out in this book I saw myself - and I worked hard to embrace my shadow.

It is all "me" just needed to be acknowledged (And thanked for trying to 'protect me' even though that part was pretty damaging, it is trying and failing to 'help' keep you safe from harm) and brought into love and held tight and not allowed to be the one to make decisions or act.

This split part needs somthing to do, give it a job. Put it in charge of solid things like balancing the budget, doign the shopping lists, planning to fix the shelves that have a broknen bracket. Take it along with you and keep it in check.


A different analogy.

If you have ever trained a dog maybe this analogy will help... The wilful, wayward puppy who didn;t get enough training grows up and always pulls on the lead, gets into trouble, rushes in where more sensible dogs wouldn't go. Needs to learn to heel, to look up to his owner and ask permission, to seek guidance, you want that dog to look up at you and ask "what should I do in this situation?", and wait for the command, "yes, say hello but no more". Or, "no, this doesn't look safe, let's keep walking."


So bottom line we need to be In Charge of the Wayward parts of ourselves (not so much "In control") we make the decisions and tell it what it can annd cannot do. it responds well to guidance and a firm, loving hand.

Hope all that makes sense?

Hello @insomnibus I have had a lot of dissociation and sense of myself watching myself and self sabotage in the past. it was not so much an urge but simply a spilling out ... a shooting myself in the foot ... although aware .. but unable to get my utterances sorted. I may set out to say one thing but a few other things would come out at tme.

I also liked U Le Guin and Ged .. wasnt consiously copying him .. but very much all the literature .. juvenile ... fictional and academic ... looked like that was the way to go ... it helps having the images of Ged ... as opposed to theory.

A firm loving hand on our wayward side ... hmmm ... like that. @MoonGal

I am fairly disciplined and self controlled in my weird ways so know I wont really do anything bad, but used to leave myself open to looking bad ...I wished for a long time I could relax more and just talk from the top of my head like other people ... it has taken a long time ... 15 years .. but i am getting much better at managing my level of self revelation in conversation. My inner and outer worlds are becoming more harmonious and there is less struggle with myself.

@insomnibus , oh I am so glad this resonated for you. I am in a mixed state episode at the moment and was so worried I had made absolutely no sense. There is always much more going on in my head than appears 'out here'.

I found the best way to find out the 'why, who, what' of the split part was to come at it obliquely not frontal - that is - pose the question to yourSelf
"Why do you 'always' sabotage?
"What do you hope to acheive?"
"Who are you 'really'?"

Just throw those questions into the mix, and rather than try to get to the NUB of the answers, just wait. Because for me, eventually the answers come back in oblique ways and gentle insight.

If i go in hard full frontal the split part retaliates or resists. These parts of us are very strong, long practiced and have their own 'identity' and no-one likes to be 'challenged' or think they are going to be erased...

A gentle query, held gently - and an awareness of waiting for the answer - eventually - and it comes.

Kind of like we would do with a friend who was acting out, holding their hand and murmuring, I love you, hope you feel better soon" is always more effective than "What the HELL are you doing?" eh?