Close to giving up

I need to clear my head and repair my family and damaged head as I'm just hoping I can fix this as I am seriously concerned about my mental health when I have recreational drugs I am managing to only use occasional but when I do I don't recall most of the time iM on it and slowly I am going to crack and just lose my sanity forever or do something that won't be able to be repaired.. My main concern is the kids as they need me normal and clear thinking and The wife need my help... I am struggling to cope with the feeling of failure, the fear of the kids hating me or being affected by it... I also fear that The wife Ithave supported me as much as you can and I worry you will not understand and give up on me (us)... I can't sleep now as usual cos my head is doing overtime Im panicking about having to explain to My boss why I miss work and hopefully I can keep the job. I don't know how to get better and am overwhelmed by the possibility of losing my family or anyone of there love. I just don't know how my mind would cope with any of these things as the part where I take the drug is the only part that actually is my sane mind in control... After that I don't know who I am anymore...... I would rather Die than have my family destroyed by me... Our children need better