Two different people

Hello @BlueBay

Probably more of a question for your psychologist who knows your history - but yes I can relate coming from a similar background. These emotional scars will appear "if something has triggered me". Or from having worried too much over something; being under prolonged stress or dwelling on negative thoughts. It's a matter of recognising the triggers and dealing with them effectively in order to continue growing in strength.

Who wins out in the end; the weaker emotional child or the strong new me depends how much focus I put on either one. For example if I dwell on my worries, hurt or pain either in the past or future - the emotional child will take over more making me unhappy, anxious - feeling out of control (vulnerable/depressed)

If I talk my husband (or trusted other) about what ails me (if it's bad enough) I release it that way and listen to his/their advice and then move on by concentrating on the good; positively actively engaging in those thoughts and activities that matter to me pushing forward (I.e. Caring for my family, my charity work, nurturing friendships, hobbies, walks etc). As you do with your customers at work 🙂 Feels great doesn't it. By putting my full focus/energy on the latter the vulnerable emotional, angry child is not fed and fades in the background. So it depends what I focus on the most to who wins out with me. The more I focus on the good and not the pain - the stronger I become. That's me.

You would be amazed sadgirl to just how much joy you bring to your customers every day. You would be amazed on how much a difference you would be making to many lives who suffer in silence feeling undervalued. Just a smile, kind words can make a person's day and in some instances can save a life. I am proud of this strong person who is the true you. Keep going. Hold onto that fulfilment/peace each time you have positively engaged and helped a customer, a friend, a family member and remember this when that inner child tries to resurface. You do have value - you do have much to offer and you are in control of it (your actions).

When we have bad days - and we all have them, I feel talking it out helps. Then it doesn't have to continue to dominate my thoughts or day; it doesn't have so much of a hold so I can move on to the important more enjoyable aspects of my life. Sometimes at first this can be a struggle when anxious but if I push myself to do what I know is positive or productively I always feel better for it and not as vulnerable or scared. It takes determination and through these actions resilience is born. That is what I have experienced anyway. All the best in your therapy session. Sending warm hugs xxxxx

Thank you so much @Former-Member

I wasn't sure if my post made any sense to anyone - but I'm glad you understand.

I know for myself that when I am in that vulnerable state, emotional mind i revert back automatically to my inner child. And when at work I am the adult me.

I need to focus more on the positives that I do in my life; it's interesting how automatic it is for me to think negative all the time.

I will speak with my psych at next session.

Take care

@BlueBay Your welcome my dear friend. I do understand. Yes indeed, negative thinking is usually the biggest trigger of our emotional/mental decline. It's good to be aware of it - the first step towards healing. You have a good future to look forward to. All my best to you x

Hi @BlueBay,

I think every single person is multi-dimensional and has many different aspects to their personality. We are all capable of an extreme range of emotions, too. As we mature into adults, we learn to control our emotions, rather than them controlling us.

So an average "healthy" adult may never exhibit extreme behavior, not because she is not capable of it, but because she has learnt so much self-control that raging or hysterics don't even seem like an option anymore.

I wonder if you do not feel some kind of discomfort at integrating all the seemingly different aspects of your personality? Can you accept that some days you might be extremely emotional and that other days you might be totally rational and in control - and that this does not mean that you are two different people, but only one person with a range of emotions, some of which you might think are undesirable.

Like @Former-Member says, it's a good question for your psychologist.

If you can understand where your angry side stems from, you might be able to deal with it in a compassionate way. Anger in itself is not a problem. We all get angry and it's a very natural emotion. Those people who say "I never get angry" are not in touch with themselves. They might as well say "I completely deny all my anger and one day I will explode."

It's what we do about our anger that counts. It must lead us to make decisions that serve our needs.

The same is true about your sensitive, vulnerable side. We all have that side and there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. Don't try to repress it, but accept it and nurture it. Let it be. It will ultimately lead you to seek nurturing in a healthy way, which is part of being human.

Hey, I am no expert! I wish you all the very best.

Hi sadgirl,

oops, got posted twice.

Dear @BlueBay. What you write makes perfect sense to me. Sometimes we fragment ourselves in ways we then struggle to understand. We start to behave extremely about good and bad situations. We get emotional. We get decidedly uncomfortable. We feel deeply conflicted, inside and out. We even focus our eyes so much on a thing we see as negative or bad in this world of ours, that we forget to look at the true world of wonder that exists before our very eyes...

This world of wonder is a bunch of us human beings, navigating as travellers in the journey of our lives, intersecting with each other, having a huge effect on some people's lives just as they have a huge effect on you. Each day is an opportunity for a thousand smiles, more! A billion, at least, but let's start small... hahaha...

It's part of my Happiness Principle. Even a fake smile is better than no smile, to start with. That's why masks are so important to me. They have a great symbolism about hiding things behind the mask. We all do it, some of us better and for longer than others. But mask wearing is an exhausting job. Sometimes you're carrying so many masks around with you that they start to slip, or you put the wrong mask on at the wrong time...

Am I getting warm yet? Anyhoo, that's kinda been my experience from observing how I used to behave in situations that I may or may not be terribly proud of with regards to my own conduct...

Ouch! That realisation stung me at first. I'd done some bad things, reacting with anger too hastily. The stresses I was under internally and externally from my work were slowly but surely turning me into someone I didn't much like. Angry. Always angry. Always seeing the injustices in the world and obsessing about that to the exclusion of all else. Still angry... angry driver (not proud of that - ouch! That is so not me now...)... shout out loud angry at times...

I hated what I was becoming, but I couldn't control the bucking bronco of my mental health spiralling out of control - I was in a 2-year hypomanic bingefest of feeding the beast - work work work, never head turnoff time, drinking a bit too much in order to switch off at night...

I never got in a fight, but I was loud! Way too loud... and just angry... stressed and angry... and sad because I wasn't who I wanted to be. I was really expecting much better from myself. It really tore me a new one, that realisation...

I felt sad for my inner child. The one that got bashed and bullied at school (and "touched" at the age of 9 in his own home, his sanctum). The inner child that got to see a lot of negative, growing up. Lotta days without a lotta light in them. The inner child who felt hurt and ignored and neglected and let down. The inner child who used to laugh so much, but who now could only cry whenever he dropped the mask in the quiet solitude of his room at night...

We sure do tear ourselves up into different fragments, and those fragments then start fighting each other or helping each other. Sometimes good, sometimes not so good...

I used to focus on a lot of negative things in my life after the childhood I had. I'm still big on social (in)justice issues like the asylum seekers, but that's a discussion for another time...

But back then, the negatives would sweep me away. It was all I could see. No silver lining. Not even a cloud. Just jet black.

Scary place that...

There's two responses to fear like that - fight or flight. And psychologically it's easy to do both. Firstly, I would be flighty and self-deny or self-deceive or self-anything-but-face-the-truth. This would carry on for a while. Then I would have an A-Ha! moment (lightbulb and a bell going Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!) and realise what part of myself was behind these issues I was having. Then would come the fighting, as I fought amongst the fragments of my self).

This isn't like a multiple personality thing that I'm talking about (that must be an interesting and sometimes difficult life, I would imagine). I simply talk about identifiable sub-parts of yourself - the inner child being a classic example of that, and a very valid one in my view. Some things we need to nurture, like that hurt inner child. They've been locked up inside with you for a whole lotta years. There's a lot of hurt to heal, and a few life lessons to "unlearn", either because they were the wrong lessons to have learned in the first place, or because those lessons were good at the time but are now no longer helpful or appropriate...

I do ramble on, don't I? I am so sorry for intruding... I hope even a little of what I've said can be something to identify with, or if there's some obscure life lesson to learn from it, who knows?

Seems a pity to waste all that pain we went through to get where we are now. We can use pain as a motivator for continued change. Good change. Positive change. It's not always easy or possible, so we gotta lay low for a while, roll with the punches. But keep our eyes on the prize (and the price), too... hahaha... lot to do, especially when we are struggling.

Hang in there @BlueBay. I am so amazed at your strength and your courage, and your awareness of self. They are helping you to deal with all this stuff that should never have happened in life. It's so very hard, this journey of self...

And what better way than to travel with fellow journeyers? On this rocky road that we all are on, each of us on the journey of our lives...

It is an honour to walk with you all...

OMD, @Former-Member... you wonderful wonderful person. Your answer is just lovely. Brilliant! The words of a survivor. I don't think I ever thanked you just for being you back in the BlueBoard days? So, thanks for being you. You have incredible warmth and insight. I learn from you with every post...

And once more, I am brought to an OMD. @Sahara... likewise... you wonderful wonderful person. Your answer nailed it too. The warmth and wisdom...

Gotta love us peeps, huh?

Chatting and hugging our way through this.

I say again - it is an honour to walk with you all... 🙂

Hi @Silenus

Thank you for your post my friend - enlightening and touching as always. And thank you especially for your kind words - that really meant alot to me. Sending lots of love your way x

Hi @BlueBay @Former-Member @Sahara @Silenus

Thank you, this post has really helped me to see clearly how one of my daughters is reacting with her inner child to stresses in our relationships, and how to help her recognise that in the moment when it's happening. If I point it out to her as clearly as you have been discussing it here, she will be able to work out some strategies to deal with it. I am sure it has concerned her fiancé to see her switching into that role, and he doesn't know what to do about it.

Her inner child responds with uncontrolled crying and histrionics. His inner child responds with sulking and bad-temperedness. She is working out what to do with his inner child moments. This will help both of them sort it out .

Great that you posted @BlueBay . Great that everybody else replied 💌

Hey @Silenus @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member @Sahara
I am so glad I started this post!!!
@Silenus oh boy, what you wrote makes so much sense. I can relate to this so much.
You know i still feel really sad for my inner child, i feel so sad that she was sexually assaulted by 3 different guys, not one but 3. sexually assaulted. I feel sad that she wasn't protected or loved. (crying Smiley Sad
i think a lot of the times for me is when i am so emotional i go into my inner child patterns, behaviour thoughts. and i think its because all i want is love from someone. i want to feel protected and i guess rescued.
I am the same - no silver lining - all black and white.
Thanks @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hopefor your post. @Sahara I am glad i started this thread not just for me for others like you

hi @BlueBay

I think I might have split personalities when I drink alcohol. Because I can go from totally chill and fun, to an angry mean person in no time at all and usually for no real good reason. I've been kicked out of a bunch of bars, cause of my behavior. Usually when I'm sober im shy, timid even, but when i get good and drunk, i become a manic maniac. Thats one of the reasons I've quit drinking. Been sober (no alcohol for 6 years almost.)

Sometimes when we get comfortable with people we show our true selves. I can be quite childish and silly, when my gaurd is down. I think that that is kinda normal.