Think I need to share

I am 43, repartnered and have 4 children ages 15 down to 2. My two oldest (girls) were sexually, physically and emotionally abused by their birth father after we separated (but possibly before also). I knew that he had drug, alcohol, violence and infidelity issues towards the end of our relationship, but I never thought he would have hurt his own children. I unsuccessfully tried to get full custody after the split, but it took another 5 years and my eldest finally coming forward about the sexual abuse before I got custody.

My girls suffer PTSD. They have both had suicide attempts. They both have poor school attendance due to severe anxiety and depression. One was anorexic but now over eats and the other barely eats at all and is losing weight and looking drawn. Neither sleep well (flash backs, bad thoughts, nightmares) and use screen time as an escape (I try so hard to get them out doing fun things at every opportunity). A family camping trip I'd planned went terribly wrong when I had to drive the younger one home because she had a psychotic episode being in an unfamiliar place and felt that she was either going to stab herself or her grandmother. I didn't want to tell my parents this, so just left my dad feeling angry and disappointed in me for "letting her get her own way".

The girls have been attending counselling weekly for around 4 years. We have made some progress, but it is so slow.

My life has become very small and consumed. My partner tries, but gets frustrated. My parents are getting old and can't help a lot. I work (juggling bringing the girls with me, working from home or chancing leaving them home when they are having a 'good day'). I rarely see friends and if I feel that the girls will be okay, I occasionally leave them with their step dad and get out for a 30 min run (my saviour).

I try to remain positive and when they are doing well, I feel like I am walking on air with joy. When either of them are not well, I feel like I am at the bottom of a pit of despair. My mental health suffers and I just cry for them any moment I get alone.

My son, 10 and youngest daughter 2, don't get the best of me, although I try to be super mum. My partner is sad and I think resentful of the time spent with the girls - especially the night times.

Sometimes I feel I have lost who I am. It has been so long since I have been out or done something for myself other than the running. I am scared to leave them for long in case something happens. My partner is not always well equipped to help them.

Is anyone else in a situation like me?

How can I help my girls to know that although what happened to them was worse than horrendous, they can still live their life and even use their experience one day to help others.

Will I ever be able to regain my life a little? I feel that no-one I know could understand and I see people doing 'normal people things' and cry because they don't know how lucky they are.

Long post. Sorry, needed to get it out. Have been wanting to tell someone my story for some time.