CPTSD - Just when you think you're ok, it strikes again.

Hi everyone;

Firstly, I want to apologise to those who've come to rely on me to respond or look forward to my company on the forum; I've sort of hit the skids again and haven't had what it takes to post. I'm sorry...

I've worked really hard over the past five years to battle inner demons and recover from major setbacks with my MH. Yes, a solid pat on the back is deserved. However, I've found myself in the grip of yet another situation that torments me.

My diagnosis of Complex PTSD was and still is a constant lurking in the background waiting for when life imitates the past. Triggers of helplessness I thought I'd left behind are surfacing. I only said to my sis yesterday how well I am and not to worry, though I did notice, as the words left my lips there was a nagging feeling of falseness in my gut. Our bodies don't lie...I don't know who I was trying to convince more, her or me.

There's an intensity to financial crisis via systems that are hell bent on making it as difficult as possible to receive $ support. (Centrelink and my previous employer) I find myself in yet another situation where convincing authorities that cptsd symptoms make it nearly impossible to cope with crisis', and therefore impede my ability to move forward and get off the welfare round-a-bout.

When I was bullied at work I interviewed for other jobs but failed due to my declining MH. It was the same a month ago when I met with a panel to secure a position in the community services system to ease my financial burden. That door's now closed as I'm self aware enough to realise I don't have what it takes anymore to be someone's employee.

The result is a feeling of entrapment; turning in circles trying to find an avenue of escape or success to pull me out of this hole. I fear selling my home is the only way to avoid living hand to mouth and in debt.

People who know me think I'm the strong one, but they're wrong. I've come to understand the level of support I need to survive these types of events is bigger than I'm used to; the humiliation's horrible.

I've taken some prn medication to calm the invasive fearful thoughts, intense analysing, wanting to walk away from life and helpless tears that don't seem to end. You guys know the drill.

Writing's helping to sort the forest from the trees, but doesn't provide critical answers I so sorely need. Maybe it is time to pick up stumps and move back to the land of renting. If I sell to an investor, they may allow me to stay on. It's a thought...

Anyway, living alone I wanted to get a few things off my chest. Posting's always a good option to open the flood gates. Thanks to all who read or respond.

Hope xo 👵