Intense Ideation

Hi, I'm new here. Having a hard time right now with stuff going on in my head. I contacted a helpline last night, it helped a little bit at the time, and it was suggested I check out the forum here. I hope it is o.k if I write here for a while. Moderators please remove if its not o.k. I'm not going to detail anything about my method - that is for me only.

.I'm not in a good place, it is dark and suffocating and it hurts and hope is being squeezed out, like there is no light at the end of the tunnel and no way out but one. But I must still have hope if I am writing here. I have been in this dark many times, I guess I should be used to it.

Once when I was in the psych ward curled up in the feotal position in bed I tried to explain what the pain was like to a MH nurse. It is mental pain but it is just as real as physical pain. I compared it to child birth - the intensity of the pain is the same. How painful contractions are when they come and then relief when they pass - for a moment. My suicidal urges are like contractions. In the beginning they come on pretty intense but then pass and its easier to find a distraction. But as time goes by the contractions come closer and closer together until it is constant with no relief. Unlike child birth where the pain stops maybe hrs later with a messy baby in your arms, this goes on and on - there is no end.

I get relief from harming, but that is only temporary. I know its not the best coping strategy but it works at the time. I have a list of alternatives but they don't seem to help.

This evening I mindfully ate an icecream. One of those chocolate covered ones. It didn't taste right. My chocolate cravings have vanished - probably a good thing anyway, a block a day habit isn't healthy.

Probably the best place for me to be tomorrow is curled up in bed, but I don't hibernate, I'm too active. We'll see what the weather is like.