My partner is taking space and I feel lonely

Hi @Daydream

Welcome to the Forum - I am sorry about the circumstances that have brought you here - I already know how hard this is for you though I can't possibly know how you are feeling - we all take things differently

So we have to think about what your partner needs and what you need and both are valid and necessary - very important

Your partner needs help through his loss - I don't know the details of your brother-in-law's suicide - how it happened - did your partner find him? Details really but they are things your partner is working through right now and guilt comes with suicides - I have been through this and it's important to keep some contact with your partner to ask RUOK because he might need some professional help.

But this is hard for you too - you are suffering grief yourself - I remember when my husband-to-be lost his father so long ago now - I was so young myself - I didn't know how to deal with what was happening to him and his family - you must be going through that now

You need to start by caring for yourself - this is something you have control over as you go through an uncontrollable situation. Try and eat properly and get some rest yourself and get some help with your loneliness - you need grief councelling too because you have suffered a loss even if it may be temporary - you need your partner and he has checked out for now -

I can suggest a Help Line - that is Grief Line - the phone number is 1300 845 745 and there is an on-line service http://griefline.org.au. The phone number in Victoria used to be different but if you access the website you are sure to find that. The phone lines are open from noon to 3.00 am 7 days a week

I know this is a very vulnerable time for you and your partner - I have had two suicides in my family and know how devastating this is and how both of you need whatever help you can get

And I am glad you have reached out this evening - that is not easy to do but Grief Line can help you and your partner - you are grieving too

Sending understand and love

Dec

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@Daydream wrote:
Thank you so much for your response @Owlunar it means a lot!

Thanks @Daydream - your comments mean a lot to me too

I know that part of his grief is finding meaning again- when his brother died all meaning, purpose and understanding was lost for us both, and we have both had to work to make sense of the world around us and find a way to survive the grief. I am starting to see the way through but it is a slow process.

It's common to lose track of meaning in our lives when someone young and close to us dies - and with suicide there is what is called The Tripple Whammy - the death, a violent death and the stigma of suicide - it's a rough ride and I am gload you are starting to see the way through - yes - it is a slow process


I don’t think I’ve ever really processed the loss or even thought about what I want or need to heal in this whole time. When my partner left I lost not only my love but my best friend and person who gives me strength to keep going. Now I need to find that within myself and work out how to move forward in a life where he may never come home.

You lost a lot when your partner left - so maybe it is time to concentrate on finding your own path now - you can open your life to different possibilities and start going out - not to look for another partner though that might happen - but to start with - fill in the time with something - anything - until something really grabs your interest - and it's really hard to get dressed to go out when you are hurting so much inside - but this is where the new path starts while you begin to heal - it is within yourself.

I will definitely look into the grief line- there are times grief hits me like a wave and I can’t breathe. My grief is two fold now my partner is away too. I think that line will be very helpful when I need someone to talk to. May I ask if this is a helpline you have used before? And are they understanding of trauma safe counselling?

I have used Grief Line and it is very safe and confidential - I actually worked at as Telephone Counsellor there myself for a couple of years - not now - they certainly understand trauma counselling - maybe they just listen - that can be everything at times - and they care.


I am so sorry to hear you too have been through the pain and loss by suicide- my heart is with you and your family. I have found a lot of support in a suicide bereavement group local to me and don’t know what I would have done without the understanding of those who have been there

I lost my son to suicide - this was really hard to get past and I still have my moments - it was a long time ago now and I think as hard as it was to understand I have come to some kind of deep meaningful realisation that he was a scatterbrained teenager who was very unhappy and really didn't get the idea of how permanent death is - my cousin died more recently and he was a mature person and it has been harder to reach a place in peace within myself about it - it is a very painful thing for the survivors like yourself and your partner to face when someone chooses to take this part - we ask ourselves questions like - "Weren't we enough? What did we miss? etc - and in reality we are not to blame at all - a person who decides to end their life makes the choice themselves and there is not place for guilt in it - it was entirely up to them and we have the hard road of picking up our pieces

Your gradual realisation of having to go on without your partner could be the beginning of your healing - my marriage - which was never great - broke down completely after our son died - people grieve differently and a lot of partnerships can't take the strain - this isn't wrong - it just is

Thank you again for your post, it means the world that someone out there hears me and understands

I know having someone "out there" who cares and hears means a lot - this forum has meant a lot to me - I have been able to share here and members have helped me reach a place of peace within myself

All the best DayDream - for now - day dream - there is nothing wrong in imagining how life has hurt your and imagining a life after all this

Dec

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