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I caved to old habits

Emo_foreverContributor12 Apr 2019, 2:36 am AEST

I caved to old habits

I have been really struggling lately. I have tried with all my might not to revert to old habits but it's been too hard. I just can't do it any more. I can't pretend everything is ok any more. I was diagnosed 12 years ago and it really isn't getting any better. I have just gotten better at pretending everything is fine. I was self harm free for 8 years but over the past few weeks that has ended. I have done it several times over the past few weeks most recent was tonight. How can I keep fighting when everything inside is screaming to end it all now to give up. That I'm not worth the fight. And I'm not winning the fight. How can I see worth when the voices tell me I'm worthless and I deserve nothing but the worst. I'm 29 shouldn't I be over this by now. I just want to turn back time to when I was 16. Curl up in my bed alone. And go back to what I always knew

3 replies

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In response to: I caved to old habits

Unknown userMember12 Apr 2019, 1:35 pm AEST

Re: I caved to old habits

Hey there @Emo_forever , thank you for sharing this post, I know it must be so painful and feel incredibly heavy. But please know, you're not alone here And we really do want to honour this space for you, it's a safe spot to talk about this.

The element where you said "I am 29, shouldn't I be over this by now?" really spoke to me. Sometimes resilience can erode over time, when we're required to draw upon our own strength so often, parts of us just want to rest. To be still. To breathe and feel that space between distress and fatigue. Please know that in this pain, in this journey, there is an immense amount of light. There is a point to this recovery journey, you are so very worthy. The odds of you being born is 1 in 400 trillion, so please know that this tiresome battle has a purpose too.

Do you see a pschologist or counsellor etc?

In terms of self-harm, I would definitely recommend when you're struggling with urges you do reach out for support. Suicide Callback Service can talk to you via webchat or on 1300 659 467.

In response to: Re: I caved to old habits

Emo_foreverContributor12 Apr 2019, 1:39 pm AEST

Re: I caved to old habits

I recently moved states and left my trusted gp that I have seen ever since I was little behind. I do not know how to bring myself to open up again to a new doctor. For the past 6 months I have had no support but then again before I moved I hadn't needed to see my doctor or psychologist for over a year. Moving away from everything I have ever known is really getting to me. It's harder than I thought it would be. Thank you so much for your reply

In response to: Re: I caved to old habits

AppleblossomSenior Contributor17 Apr 2019, 4:08 pm AEST

Re: I caved to old habits

Hello @Emo_forever I just read your post.

I hope you do find some support in your new area. It is hard to start again, but there can be advantages.

Getting a good doc is important. Try and be kind to yourself, especially regarding self harm. I have had a lot of self talk about not being worth anything ... its hard to shift it .....

take Care

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