My mental illness effecting my children

@Snowie Hi Snowie I know the feeling. My daughter once told me to go to bed after I had been dancing for 4 1/2 hours when I was manic. My son2 saw and heard me abusing my ex on the phone and then apparently (I cannot remember any of this) I broke several phones .... just examples of what my kids saw and heard when I have been really sick.

I have made certain promises to my children I no longer drink, I will always take my medicine, eat healthy, exercise etc but my daughter is still very protective over me and for that matter so is son2. I do everything I can to remain 'sane' the rest is in the lap of the gods. Kids will see that mum is trying, I have found that to be the key, if they see mum hasn't given up on herself then that helps. Love always greenpea xxxx

@Snowie My experiences with it have mostly ended up being more positive than negative. I also worried that my children were being dragged up by themselves. I did some traumatic things to them where they witnessed me being taken to hospital by police or ambulances.

I look back now that they have grown up. My youngest was 11 when it started. I went from the mum who was there doing so much taxi driving for sports and extra curricular stuff to basically doing none of it. I had never missed a game of theirs or a school performance or anything like that to frequently missing all the big stuff. Like anything I think kids try to remember the best version of us.

There is no doubt that my kids grew up quickly and became remarkably resilient. I also want to draw a comparison that I also knew of my kids friends who had to grow up quickly when their mum got breast cancer. I don’t think it matters what the illness is. Some kids have to face that life isn’t perfect at a young age while others get well into adulthood before they deal with difficult life things.

Im writing this to you as someone who has lived through my kids reaching adulthood. The guilt and shame is leaving now as I see my kids all doing ok. If I had written this 5 years ago I probably would have written a doom and gloom post about how I was screwing up my kids.

I can now talk openly about the effect my illness has had on my kids. It’s not all roses by any means but it’s not as bad as you think either. They acknowledge some of the things that were harder when they were younger but have made entering adulthood easier than many of their peers. They will tell me what hurt the most and what was worse in my mind than in theirs. My relationships with my kids has never been stronger.

If I had one piece of advice that I think helped was that no matter what, they were told they were loved. I also tried to spend even just 5 mins a day with each of them where I could be present and fake it and smile and be positive with them. The rest of the day I could be crying in bed or not getting out of bed to watch them play sport and felt like I was messing up their lives.

Correct me if I’m wrong but it seems that hubby is ok being hands on with your kids too. That can only be a positive. It is that teamwork they’ll remember.

It has taken me a very long time to write the next sentence because when I am in the depths of depression and suicidal thinking it’s easy to justify that they would be better off without me. The truth is I think my kids would rather me be here and live a not perfect life than me taking my life. I still go there but it’s getting harder lately to follow through to my sh which can be dangerous.

I hope this helps.

PS my baby 11 year old who is 18 just rang to tell me he had just visited a surgeon and has booked himself in for surgery in a few weeks. I didn’t even know he’d made an appointment. He will always ring if he is unsure and wanted to share his news with pride. Although it is a hard thing that he is so independent because he had to be, Im also tremendously proud of the confident young man that raised himself with a village that helped.

Thank you @Bunniekins and @Teej for opening up and being so honest.

I'm sorry that you have both had to go through such incredible hard times in your life. You both have brought up amazing young adults and seem to have strong relationships with them now.

I think both of my kids have grown up fast in the last few years, even though I try and shield them from so much of my own struggles. I do plant that fake smile on my face so many times to make them think that mum is doing well. Even that is a struggle sometimes.

@TeejI think the only reason I am still here is because of my kids. When I reach that point too, I often think a broken version of me is better then no version of me. They certainly do keep me going at times.

Thanks once again for your replies. It has given me hope that I am not screwing up their lives.