Living in a relationship - my partner has BPD - I am not coping

Hi,

I dont know where to start and I appreciate anyone who reads my story and is providing any support I can get at the moment.

To start, I am in an on/off relationship with my partner. There is quite a age difference between us. We had been together for more than 1 year and within that time, a lot did happen bringing me nearly to the breaking point. Simply because I do not understand her behaviour which does not match her words. I was reading a lot about BPD and understand the baseline of the condition or mental illness, however I strongly dont want to believe that it is impossible to have a loving relationship.

In this year a lot happened. She suffers from extreme stress due to her workload and having kids, which increases her stress levels, unable to cope with the amount of work she has to do as running a business and then to look after house and kids as well. This was before we moved together. Her emotional condition is very fluctuating which was creating in me a more calm and less emotional baseline, to cope with these changing emotional levels. Not that I actually tried to not show her how to love her, I was always on the edge if the next thing I say or do will reactivate her BPD and she goes instantly into fight and flight mode. There is a long hx of specific trauma in her past life and a lot has to do with sexuality. So she is sexually very impulsive, sometime completely out of control and into areas which are very specific, to say it that way. In times where things were a bit difficult with us, she was going out nights, got extremely drunk which was leading to further sexual abuse or random hook ups with other guys. Her anxiety increased constantly leading to the situation she was feeling suicidal already in the morning and every night going to bed. I was quiting work/shifts often to go home and look after her, make sure she is safe ( I am a medical professional ), leading to increased suicidality telling me sometimes nearly every day she does not want to wake up next day, or talking about several other ways to end her life. Further she asked me often which way would be the softest and nicest way to die - it makes me heart broken and I did not want to speak about it, to not give her ideas but on the other hand I tried to determine clinically her state of mind. The most difficult in these situations is the juggle if I should place her on an MH order - if she would be one of my regular patients I definetly would pursue that pathway - but then knowing (given her information from the past with her extensive treatment and consultation is correct) there is risk I lose every possibility to observe her condition and be around her, as she just recognise me as a "threat" to her condition. Further a lot of possible treatment options had already been used from her description. She refuses to go back to her psychiatrist, tried apparently different medications with no good effect, does not see we need proper help.

We tried with a relationship psychologist but she did quit after 3 session and accused the therapist of being not able to fix our problem, making things just worse/us fight (we did speak about things from the session, but it was always going back into a negative view on things and I had no change to open her up or that it seems she shows insight/see things from a different perspective) - the psychologist suspected that her BPD got to much exposed, she recognised the risk and did not want to get involved with any further management or exposure of her condition.

I did managed her suicidality several times with success, however I was not able to completely show her, that she is safe. It seems her way of thinking and response to things is completely different to mine - or someone elses. Lying about things, not matching stories about where she had been out at night times and then cheating became more and more a situation. We finally broke up and had no contact for a week when she contacted me again, we talked, saw each other and got again engaged with each other. I had moved out by that time. Plan was to build up slowly our connection. We both know that we love each other, miss each other and crave each other - so she is telling me every day. She did start dating the same time, mentioning she needs distraction, clear her mind and understand that us/me is what she really wants. I did not date, yes I had one encouter just after the breakup but as soon as we started to build our connection, I did not talk to anyone. I just couldnt. So our journey continued, she talking to then 1-2 specific guys every day, lots - me still telling she loves me and needs me - however always seing our past in a negative aspect, telling me when I showed her that I changed and can understand her now better, want to be more supportive and did lots for her to understand I am telling the truth - she often told me that she wished for all of that last year to had happen. So we were often from a happy moment and good times, quickly going into depressive mode referring back to things which had been stressful and difficult in the past. She continued to date however told me she is not having sexual encouters with these people as she needs a connection for that. It all continued until I recognised that she was sleeping with other guys and inviting them jnto her home. She always told me, she wont invite anyone into her home, because of her kids. This just shocked me. Yes she did sleep with him but continued to tell me, it is just a distraction, she loves me and craves me and have no feelings at all for that person. Given that she takes the risk her kids can see him or notice anything, is what I truly dont understand.

The other issue are friends as she call them, constantly manipulating her apparently by telling her to quit their friendship if she would not act like expected. It happened several times that apparently she was dumped on nights out by her friends, drunk and exposed to risks. I always was on the edge when she was going out because it was only one night, where not incident happened. On all other occasions I was scared about her safety and her actions, so I picked her up from her location when she told me the was dumped again, is drunk and does not know what to do. There seem this self destructive behaviour to accept these influencing friends and accept their behaviour/consequences she has to go through because of them, as she states she does not have any other friends and time with them gives her joy and fun until the point something completely horrible happens.

I am at the breaking point where she still wants to slowly move forward with us under these conditions but I just cant. I cannot sit here and go to work, get lied into my face that she is going to bed early then finding out she has someone over, telling me she loves me but sleeping with other guys. How can you tell someone you love him intensly and miss him, desire him but then spend so much time and effort on other guys with talking, meeting and sex? Telling me she needs to figure out, if she wants just friends with benefits even not having a connection with anyone or if she needs a relationship. So when I say I love someone - and apparently she would never say "I love you", if she does not mean it or feel it - I can not literally think about a friends with benefits condition on one side and seek joy / casual encounters but on the other hand, tell someone I love him and I crave him, need him, having a deep conversation or connection to.

I just dont get the point and I try to understand if there is any hope for this or what would be the best thing to do. I appreciate any comments or experience someone with BPD or partner can come up with. Thank you very much.