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Pregnancy

Rose8New Contributor21 Mar 2019, 7:48 am AEDT

Pregnancy

My 19yr old daughter with BPD refuses to use reliable contraception ,despite the many, many conversations that I have had with her, as well as doctors and other health professionals. She is obsessed with the idea of having a baby but has little idea of how challenging that would be. She takes her anti depressants and sees her psychiatrist but will not engage in other help. She has started with a few things, such as psychology and headspace but has not followed through.

My daughter has had a lot of short term relationships in the last couple of years and never seems to have difficulty finding her next partner, mostly through online sites. She gives more priority to her relationships than anything else. She had a short stint at employment and also started a tafe course but didn’t complete it.

She recently broke up with a boyfriend and met a new guy the same age as her and has moved in with his family. She is still in touch with us but says she can’t live with us. Last week she found out that she is pregnant to the previous boyfriend. She has spoken with us and a few people close to her. We have told her that we will support her, whatever she decides, but want her to think about it seriously and make her own decision. She has booked in for a termination next week but I think this is mainly due to pressure from her ex as he doesn’t want her to have a baby. I know she will be influenced by many factors and there aren’t any easy solutions. If she has the baby there will be many challenges, especially if she keeps changing partners. If she terminates she will have to live with her decision and may have regrets.

Meanwhile, I spend a lot of time worrying about how she is getting on. I have a very supportive husband and sister who listen to me. I have had counselling a few times which has helped, but I don’t feel comfortable talking about some of the problems and behaviour of my daughter. I know the counselllor won’t be judging me but it is hard not to feel responsible and blame myself. I thought maybe this forum would be a place to share my thoughts. I’m looking for support from people who understand, because they have similar experiences. Reading through other stories I can see many similarities to our situation.

2 replies

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In response to: Pregnancy

Exhausted1Senior Contributor21 Mar 2019, 9:25 pm AEDT

Re: Pregnancy

Hi Rose8, BPD is a stressful mental illness to have a loved one have. I know and speak from experience as I have a son with it. One of the common traits is impulsive risky behaviour and having a constant flow of sexual partners is quite common. One of my fears is that my son will get someone pregnant, his choice of partners are not ‘stable’ themselves and I am terrified of him bringing a child into the world when he is not ‘well’ enough to raise one. He too is desperate to be a father and I believe he wants unconditional love. He has no concept of how damn hard raising a child is and his drug and alcohol dependencies would mean the child would be taken away. They just cannot seem to think long term.

Can I please ask that you re-consider counselling. As mothers of course we blame ourselves, it seems to be a part of motherhood - but it is wrong. Counselling has taught me this and I now feel no blame and it’s the most wonderful and freeing feeling!! I have more control now because I let go of guilt that wasn’t even mine to own!

It wasn’t all about me! It’s such an amazing feeling when you finally get it. It helps with the dealings with your adult child moving forward because you think and act differently. You cannot make her change, you can only change your thought, emotions and consequently your behaviours.

I wish you all the best and really feel your struggles. It’s a hard road but take some solace that others are on that same road with you.

In response to: Re: Pregnancy

Rose8New Contributor21 Mar 2019, 10:05 pm AEDT

Re: Pregnancy

Thank you for your response Exhausted1. I’m still navigating this site to work out how it operates. I had a good chat with my daughter this afternoon and she is now deciding that she wants to continue with the pregnancy. Although this is scary territory I actually feel less worried than I thought I would. I have spent so many years worrying about the prospect of her getting pregnant, and, like a lot of worries, now that it has happened I know that I will support her and will deal with it. Which is exactly what my first psychologist said to me 8yrs ago! I want to try this discussion forum as a means of therapy for myself, as I can access it when I want/need to rather than waiting for appointments and also because I can speak more openly when I’m not in a face to face situation. I have found it useful to have counselling and have used mindfulness to relax so would certainly go back to it if I felt I wasn’t managing.

I am trying to get my daughter to take on more responsibility for herself and not rely on me to solve her problems. This will be important if she has the baby as I want clear boundaries that she is the mother and will be role model and number one carer.

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