hello

I had first psychosis at 18 and then another at 20. The first they said was bought on by drugs.

The second one was more to do with stress, anxiety and an assault. Being very young and very naive and it was the 1990's I also ended up losing conscousness from an accident.

It took me three years to recover and then I went to uni and finished my degree that I had started when i was 18.

I dont drink or do drugs (it was just that one year when i was 17/18 that I took drugs) but I would like to give up smoking cigarettes.

I was healthy til 2010 then things started to change for me. I had practiced yoga from 1999 and still do, for a crush fracture in my spine. I do this to keep strong and so i can play my violin and walk. I then in 2011 began meditating formally. My mental health changed in 2012 when I had a kundalini awakening and then I have been in hopsital nearly every year since then.

It's been so difficult. I also have BVVP - a form of vertigo that has flared up on and off since 2016.

I have done 8 years of therapy and I find this helpful to sort out my feelings and thoughts though I have terrible shame and guilt that I carry around.

In January I was told I have schizophrenia. I feel like this is the one thing that I never wanted to have.

I have been so traumatised by my hosptial experiences that I rarely want to talk to anyone about myself or who I am or what I do.

I love to read and I write and make music and make art. I'm a creative and I am studying Sound healing which is a form of using sound and vibration for it's healing potential using ancient techniques and modern science to help people find mental, emotional and spiritual balance in thier lives.

Except now I have this diagnosis I'm not sure I can do this proffessionally anymore.

I have had trouble find work mostly because I just like to stay doing what I am doing in my creative life, it's like a calling, but I also I have very little money so, I have to study to try and get qualifications. I get really anxious about this.

I'm living at my parents for the last 4 years and going through alot of healing myself but feel very isoloated except for clinicians and proffessionals. I understand that my problem of trauma, anxiety, guilt and shame contribute to my mental wellbeing.

I dont know how to finish this off but my shoulder is getting sore so I'll sign off for now.