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Serenity1Senior Contributor20 Feb 2019, 9:33 pm AEDT

this

I don't want to feel like this anymore.

Im sick of not coping. I feel completely stuck , I look around my house & I am drowning in mess, shit & piles of belongings I don't want or need or have the energy or means to dispose of.

Since my breakdown Sunday I have not been able to eat, I have had two different staff at school tell me IV lost weight & I look great!

i feel like I don't want to go on. I don't even feel like I am in this reality anymore.

I am ruining my daughter cos I can't stop crying. I just can't stop.

I have no one to turn to for help.

I have an important meeting in the city on Friday- I don't know how the f I'm going to get to the city with crippling agoraphobia & anxiety- so a support worker has been arranged to meet me at the meeting- a man IV never met who used to be a cop! AWSOME I have anxiety with MEN, anxiety with STRANGERS and of course COP anxiety!! Come on is this going to help me or make it worse- I don't even want him in the meeting with me because it's private- so he's meeting me to sit outside & wait for it to finish to meet me & then leave.

I haven't told him this ( haven't even had a conversation with him)- is he going to be pissed of if I ask him to wait outside? Iv never done this before?? then immediately after this meeting we have a School Picnic Socialiser !! Just what I feel like doing after going through something that I feel I can't face- this is too much stress for one person

i feel like I'm going to collapse in a heap.

& my 21 year old son said he wished I was. Dead & he wished I had died instead of my covert narcissitic mother who died& brainwashed him against me- it would have been better for everyone including him, my daughter & myself-he said. I can't help but feel he is right

i am safe

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AppleblossomSenior Contributor20 Feb 2019, 9:49 pm AEDT

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I have had odd supports like you mentioned. It is what it is and chalk it up to experience.

@Serenity1 I hear you about the socialiser.

All I can say is do it for your daughter, just the minimum and come home when you need.

Nobody should be told that. Sad that often the closest people are the most hurtful. Dont let it in to your thinking. Give those thoughts the teflon flick ... a sign of other people's distress but not a reflection of you.

Gentle Recovery hugz

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Unknown userMember20 Feb 2019, 9:51 pm AEDT

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Hi JoJo7

It sounds like things are very tough for you at the moment. I am glad that you have come onto the forums to obtain some extra support. I shall reach out to you separately through email.

Mika

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Serenity1Senior Contributor21 Feb 2019, 7:33 pm AEDT

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@Appleblossom thanks for your support- appointment got cancelled, now my heightened anxiety levels IV had all week have crashed down & I'm exhausted & numb- numb makes a nice change for me instead of constant fight or flight panic.
I already know how the socialiser will go-my daughter will run around like a crazy person she is an extrovert & social butterfly & my anxiety will be peaking, she will ignore everything I say, making my anxiety continuously rise & everyone will be looking at us & gossiping behind my back & I will be awkwardly on the outside as usual- then I will get home play every single word look & body language in my mind until I fall into a deep depression- yay fun times

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Serenity1Senior Contributor21 Feb 2019, 7:33 pm AEDT

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Thanks @Former-Member

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AppleblossomSenior Contributor21 Feb 2019, 7:47 pm AEDT

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@Serenity1

It sounds as if you have parented your daughter well enough for her to have a lot of confidence, spontaneity and energy. All a great achievement as a single mum.

I raised my oldest similarly and in such situations I had to minimise any interaction as she was very used to playing the field and it was best not to give openings for parental and power struggles.

Hhhhhmmmm ... about introversion and extraversion ... its not B&W ... sometimes extraverts can grow by reflecting on their experience.

Take Care

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