Unable to move foward.

I decided to join a forum after reading the book The Buddha and the Borderline. I cant even describe how much I related to her and was also surprised there are other people out there who are dealing with the same thing. I honestly thought I was the only one.

I am a self diagnosed borderline and I want to get better, I have been working at getting better for over a decade but I am trapped when it comes to childhood memories. I believe if I could rid myself of them, Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind style, I could find balance and happiness. They pull me down. I cant let them go. They shape every aspect of my adult life. When I was very young I would frantically try every escape route a kid could find. As a teen I used drugs as a solution and they temporarily worked. I quit a decade ago because I would self harm and try half hearted suicide attempts that were more a cry for help because I was terrified of the pain part, not the actual dying part.

Im more than ready to move on and be the creator of my own life. To put the past abuses aside and grow from them. But Im trapped. In order to become a better person, I have to be self aware of my behaviour. And by doing this Ive been made aware that my behaviour is a reaction to an extreme prolonged childhood of abuse. I found that colored my entire personality. Its my identity. I have run from it, then tried to face it, then told myself over and over the reasons people do horrible things to kids and try to humanize them but Im still angry.

I wasnt allowed to be angry or show any emotion until I ran away as a young teen and got myself out of the situation. Then It all came out and I couldnt cope with it. It seemed unfair that as soon as I felt safe, the rage decides it is ok to come out.

I havent moved past that rage.

I need advice on how to get rid of memories. Or how to tolerate them when they come at me and wont leave for days.

I also hate myself for my own parenting abilities. Although I never hurt my child, I didnt know how to show her love and even now its hard. I am angry at myself for this and also angry at the woman who raised me and never gave any kind of guidance or affection or love. Just every ounce of her hate and rage.

I believe, like Keirra, the author of The Buddha, that I was a sensitive child that could have had a chance at a normal life if I had someone to stop what was going on or even just someone to talk to after it happens. And I am angry about this too.

I want to be Zen. I want peace. I want to be a person that I like without those harsh voices in my head screaming at me that I am completely worthless and to suck it up and everyone has problems but my anger is holding me back.

How do you let go of something that was avoidable that ruined youre whole entire life, personality, thoughts, veiws of the world. How do you let go of extreme anxiety when you have to leave the house and trust that the world is safe(ish)? How do you snap yourself out of the deepest depression when even going to the toilet is exhausting?

What do you do when you are desperately trying to get better and you have toxic people in your life telling you its a waste of time, you will never get better, you are delusional, worthless? I would love to cut them out of my life but cant. I dont say anything now and work in secret but how do I tune out all the words coming at me, telling me Im wasting my time.

I feel like the reason they dont want me to get better is because they dont want to be exposed.

I need to block over 30 years worth of critisism and hate and violence and words. Coming to terms with it and accepting it is fleeting. I feel differently about it day to day. But today I am angry so here I am.

Thanks.