Feeling lost

Hey there,

I don't really know where to start, but I'm hoping that by being here, I am able to hear other people's stories and see that there is actually light at the end of the tunnel. I feel like I could write for ages about all of my struggles, but I will try and keep it as short and as straight to the point as I possibly can. I was talking to a friend the other day and realised I have not felt genuine happiness since the age of five. Going through primary school (prep - grade 1) I didn't have any friends. Grade 1 - grade 3, I was bullied by a girl who wouldn't let me have other friends. Grade 4 - year 12 I had a few friends that I was always with, but through all of those years I always felt like the odd one out. After high school I lost contact with pretty much all of my friends and had no one, apart from my family. My family and I don't have a close relationship either, again I just don't feel like I fit in. Like I'm the odd one out. Almost six years ago I met my best friend of the opposite sex, that is another story in itself right there if I went into detail about our relationship. But the best way to describe our relationship would be that we were soul mates in the form of best friends, he was the one person who loved every single part of me, cared for me so deeply and always wanted the best for me. We shared the same thoughts and feelings on literally everything, he was the one person I could never imagine living without. Sadly a while back he committed suicide. This has literally destroyed me, it's like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and been torn, stabbed, trampled on, burnt and whatever other torturous things you could possibly think of. A few years ago I experienced a miscarriage which I don't think I ever really delt with either and now I have friends who are having babies and that has been triggering for me. Just to top it off, I was seeing someone for over a year, someone who led me on for a whole year and now that has ended too. There is so much more I could add but that is my life in a nutshell. I just feel so helpless, lost, unloved, unworthy and so depressed. I have thoughts of suicide 24/7 (something I will NOT act on), as I have two beautiful puppies to live for. But I am so sick of waking up every morning just to fight the same battles as the day before. It's exhausting. I guess I'm just looking for inspiration and stories of hope.