I want off the roller coasteroff

I am a carer and I have my own issues. The person I care for ihas made huge strides forward in his life over the past two very difficult years. He has PTSD with depression and anxiety. My eldest daughter has anxiety, and so does my younger, but each express it in different ways. I have a chronic major depressive disorder but an high functioning 99% of the time. I have been doing well, on a new meds regime, that has seen me more emotionally stable and calm. Since I last was on here, I have been referred to a psychiatrist with whom I feel comfortable and confident. My regular psychologist is on maternity leave, so have been looking for a new one until she returns. First guy and I did not find a rapport but have had better luck with the next one. My depressive side is triggered when I feel helpless, and first shows up as anger.

This all sounds really positive, except my roller coaster took a sudden dip on Friday morning. I have no idea of the trigger, but my little warning bells started sounding (even though I always fail to notice straight away). It starts with a headache, followed by a 'death sleep' i.e. I fall on my bed and wake up hours later. In this case, about 4, and was woken up by chest pain, which of course I failed to recognise as my panic pain, because I kept saying to myself that I had had such a great few weeks, really on the right track. By Saturday I as flat and tired, by Saturday night I was picking fights with my daughter and grumbling about being taken for granted. Slept badly on Saturday night, during which I was an absolute cow to my eldest, and followed that up with a tantrum on Sunday, including my usual thing of slamming doors, crying, shouting and driving off in tears.

Of course that lef to guilt and remorse and the inability to think straight. Eventually I took my back up pill, and put myself to bed.

I am am just so tired of this. My psych and I worked it out. I have struggled with depression in a number of forms since I wa a teen. I am now 42. I just want to be steady, stable, no more mad flings of the downward spiral, me tumbling along, out of control and off my rocker. Just when I think I have a handle on it, my caveman brain takes over, and not only do I have the fight response, the flight one too, which leaves me in this weird space of wanting to lash out and run away. Half the time, by the time I have managed to calm myself, I won't even fully remember what I did, but mostly what I said, as I am an expert in wounding with words.

I just want it to stop. I am so tired. I have enough drama to fill the story lines for Neighbors and Home and Away for many seasons. I just st want a break from being me.