Hi @Lost1 ..... 👋💕
My hubby is “switching” too, although we don’t have a diagnosis yet, for many reasons, some of which include -
He doesn’t seem to have any awareness that he is unwell.
In saying that he is carefully concealing the most alarming aspects of his eating disordered behaviour.
He is lying outright when I have spoken out about such things, making me appear vindictive / deluded / exaggerating .... especially as the said behaviours are lifting the eyebrows of seasoned counsellors when they have listened to and believed me .... however none of those ones have been in a position to make a difference, only empathise.
He has a lot of innate self-deprecating charm which is both disarming and endearing in it’s natural state, but under the influence of this illness he can turn it on like a blinding screen.
The flip side is emotionally abusive behaviour ..... sometimes hot, other times very cold and calculated, and passive-aggressive controlling behaviours are very present, which means there is a vindictive cost to manage when I do speak out, which impacts the kids’ mental health.
Then he can suddenly be very genuinely considerate and vulnerable, self-sacrificing and cheerful.
It is very hard to live with because these aspects are generally extreme, and usually unpredictable, although he does also go on the warpath when he is stewing mad about something, or simply irritated and consoling himself by wounding others.
So ..... my suggestion is to develop a shield. I find I can now raise one when he is being awful, and it is in the form of being quite formally polite. I try to remain matter-of-fact and ignore the derisive behaviours as much as possible, knowing that his daily regimen takes him off jogging and to the gym across the day, so dealing with these states is in intervals. I also have my own commitments, as do the kids, so we just tend to stay out of each other’s way when things are intense.
When he is being lovely I lower the shield and join in, unless I am nursing a recent emotional wound, because I have learned to “apply my own oxygen mask ahead of helping others” and need time to heal. I can’t pretend I am okay when I am not .... but I can adopt a service role and just quietly get on with things that need to be done for the house, the kids and myself while I wait for his season to change.
And self-care, self-care, self-care ..... learning to be your own best friend and look after you is an important recovery mindset too. I get my nails done and paint them colours I enjoy seeing so close to me. I go for massages when I can afford the time and money, because it’s someone caring for me, even though it’s their paid job to do so.
Everybody has their faults and inconsistencies, nobody is perfect, but this is in a different category. This trashes boundaries and is unhealthy. A diagnosis will make a huge difference for us because it will bring the issues and awareness of the issues to light, but rather than being any sort of magic cure, it will just set us on the difficult path towards recovery .... but it will also bring validation and integrity to a situation that is sadly so lacking in both.
The forums are a real source of courage, strength, inspiration, solidarity and understanding. I don’t know how I would be coping without this support.
