HELP my head!!!

I just realized as I reread your post that I retrigger myself as well. It feels like I have these thoughts pop in that are connected to unresolved past traumas, and then my head latches on to them, then the emotions come up, while my head keeps spiraling into more darkness... it's strange to describe it. I guess I have been thinking and reacting like that for so long. I'm just starting to notice it now as I'm starting to practice mindfulness a bit.

Just this week I had a couple of extra stresses...& it triggered my ptsd symptoms like they hadn't been for a little while. Its the first time I've then made my life a bit easier where I could. I usually keep pushing myself because I think I 'should' be able to handle it, like other people.

I guess healing is a lifetime journey, whether you've got mh differences or not...

Is there something little you could do to recharge your batteries...like a bath or colouring in or lying on the couch listening to some relaxing music? Wish i could say something that helped!

Take care and best wishes.

Thank you all. I was in a particularly bad state last night that has somewhat dissipated this morning although the desire to destroy something is strong.

My daughter is 5 years old & I am a single parent. I just then had to ask her to respect my need for quite so I could read & write here (not that she knows what I'm doing on her) and she wasn't respecting my request. I had to warn her 'the angry mummy is going to come out if you keep interrupting me. You know that one that thinks we're siblings? She's bubbling to the surface & I'm about to snap'

Thankful she now understands and respects this request but I HATE myself for even bringing her awareness to my condition. The sibling mother never physical hurts her or anything like that. The sibling mother ends up in a (quite) rant about how 'I always do this for you, you never do this for me, I do everything to help you & you never help me etc etc'

For gods sake shes a child!!! I am the mother!!! I hate when the sibling mother is triggered. It's not my daughters responsibility to deal with this. The nurturing mother spends a lot of time pointing out to my daughter that this is NOT my daughters fault. I have a sickness in my head that means I sometimes can't control my actions in the moment (my daughter is incredibly inattentive at times so she understands these feelings first hand)

Through the course of therapy thus far I have gone from;
1. Having zero plesent memories of my childhood to regaining SOME pleasant memories & even more unpleasant memories
2. Being completely unaware of my alters to being aware of a few of them, where they originated & some triggers (like the sibling mother, she came about after putting herself in the firing line to protect younger siblings and acting in a parental role to them for most of their childhood/providing basic nessessities & protection, but she is still mentally a young teenager & prone to immature outbursts)
3. Conplete denial that any of these things happened to me to the deep knowledge on many alter levels that these things did happen, but I was mostly in such a devalued alter state at the time of the abuse, I can not link to those memories very much at all without becoming frozen (physically frozen & unable to care for any if us) in fear

I am supposed to be finding something that grounds me in these moments, but the only things I am compelled to do to relieve the state, is classified as self harm. The psyc is helping me find something healthy.. Or maybe I'm supposed to be doing that.. I can't remember.

I have a short meditation I am supposed to be listening to for 5 minutes daily, but just the idea of sitting down to do this makes me boil with anger.

I'm heavily medicated thank god but I don't have any real life supporters. I'm scared of everyone & spend a lot if time alone/doing creative things with my daughter.

The nurturing mother is the only one who can socialize and this came about through force as my daughter has a lot of friends & I need to appear normal to their parents.

Most alters are conditioned to lie on all levels so I can't vetbally answer questions about my history in any much detail at all, without spitting out lies that I had/have the perfect life.. In the moment I know I'm lieing but I can't stop myself & the stories that come out are random. As get caught in these 'historic lies' about my past & of course it makes other adults miss trust me & feel uneasy about me.

The only way I can openly & honestly express myself is like this (in written text, typing is best as hand writing can trigger me) it's like the one who knows the truth is a mute.. How is is ever going to find her voice & speak out?

Anyone ever heard of m0n@rch Bu++3rfly$? I fear just typing the word online, even when using symbols.