Anyone with younger teens?

Hi

I am just after some support when dealing with younger teens experiencing MI (anxiety, possible OCD and tendencies toward depression). I have 2 children, girl and boy, year 8 and year 7, who both have different experiences (so I don't think they are 'copying each other', as people have said...). The only similarity they share is school refusal, or an inability to spent the whole day at school, which has been very stressful for my husband and I as we both worked full-time in a school setting in 2018. We've struggled with knowing what is being compassionate, and allowing them time off / allowances, and what is being too-soft on them which is allowing things to get worse (I know there's a word for this, I just can't think of it atm). I'm sure I'm not alone with this conundrum; it's a constant battle between offering support, and not engaging with their fears/anxiety. For example, this year I am not working due to the later drop-offs/earlier pick-ups/total school refusals, but I fear (and others have said) that this is letting them know their behaviour is acceptable and it will increase the issues we've had!

I just don't know how we can keep doing this forever. I try to look after myself, but it's hard to leave my husband alone to deal with any issues, and we certainly can't go anywhere for any length of time together without dealing with the fallout. Any support or stories to let me know I'm not alone in this will be appreciated.