I think I have BPD

Hello all

I am a 32 year old female and I think I have BPD.

Background - I have fuzzy memories of childhood sexual abuse when I was under 3 by my biological father but I’m not 100% sure if it actually happened. I grew up with a strict, yelling, unsupportive and unloving mother who remarried and I was ostracised from the family and kicked out at 18 with nothing which impacted me financially for many years to come (I had to bath and wash my hair in their jacuzzi when they weren’t home as I was homeless which they found out and told all their friends laughing about it). Over the years mum has taken pleasure constantly insulting, abusing and humiliating me in front of people. Her anger is irrational and then calls me crazy and rude when I react to her constant provoking. I am unable to move past this and believed this along with being constantly bullied at school is a contributor to my mental health. I am angry at myself for never sticking up for myself as a kid or having anyone to stick up for me and now react extremely to any perceived threat of being picked on or disrespected. As a kid I was very kind and shy and easy going. When I’m not in BPD mode I feel that person is still there deep down.

My ex husband first told me he believes I have BPD.Things I have done in the past 13 years that I believe are related to BPD includes:

-cheating on partners (cheated around 13 times in 3 long term relationships over 13 years)

-slowly isolating and manipulating partners away from their family by taking offence at literally every little thing that is said like it’s something subtle against me (I feel like I need to be in “control” and show the family that they cant control my relationship and if they piss me off I can show them their son is loyal to me)

-making up lies about people (particularly females) to get my partner to hate the person and not have a relationship with them eg I met a very pretty colleague of my ex’s once and made up that she said to me that she didn’t know (my ex) had a girlfriend, implying she was being bitchy to me, with the aim my ex stopped talking to her

-extreme jealousy of any female that has a relationship with my partner (especially when I know my partner is fond of her) and going to all measures to destroy the relationship. This even included my fiancee’s 8 year old niece that in my anger rages (between me and my partner) I called her a s*** for sitting on my fiancée’s lap and calling him a pedo for letting her and being physically affectionate with her. I used to feel physically ill with jealousy when I saw him touching her and her sitting on his lap. In my mind I considered this cheating on me as he admitted he enjoyed the emotional intimacy. He now no longer even says a word to her out of fear of me losing it. She tried to sit on his lap the other day and he pushed her away and in my head i thought “sucked in you little s***”. I also get jealous when my fiancée shows any interest in any female child older than a baby. He was great with kids and now actively avoids them to keep me happy

-spending sprees on my credit card without thought of whether I can pay it back (got into 35k debt about 7 years ago but a relative helped me pay it off)

-extreme anger outbursts including punching walls and slapping myself in the face (no suicide attempts), screaming at the top of my lungs when alone or at partner

-feeling constantly bullied and excluded by females, I have trouble making new female friends and sit alone at lunch at work

-go to hating someone within a minute and feeling like they are trying to belittle me eg someone at work tried to take my draws for herself (when I was a temp) and I obsessed over her and the incident for ages

-impulsively quitting jobs because I’m feeling bullied

-feelings of always getting picked on wherever I go

-verbally abusing partners accusing them of looking whenever there is a scantily clad female around

-not allowing partner to watch movies or tv shows with nudity in it and checking parents guides on the internet before going to see a movie

-creating fake fb pages of hot women and messaging my partner in an attempt to bait him

-abusing partners when they are out without me and feeling “betrayed” by them if they are having fun without me

-going crazy if partner comes home later than planned or doesn’t keep in contact with me by text message

-thinking something bad has happened and my partner if dumping me if partner doesn’t write back to a text within 15 mins

-threatening to leave partner and packing my bags in anger rages then being completely over it the next day

-dumping partners for a new guy when he eventually gets sick of my abuse and moving onto the next gup who is submissive (and the cycle continues)

-being all lovey dovey in the beginning of a relationship buying him expensive gifts, paying for meals, then abusing him for “taking advantage” of me financially. Being nice to his family and going to family events then slowly making excuses for why I don’t want to go anymore which always ends with me saying they hate me and are talking bad about me

-periods of getting blind drunk

-high sex drive including sex in public places in the beginning of a relationship

-feelings of high anxiety

-sometimes inability to go to public places like shopping centres due to anxiety or fear or partner looking at women

-extreme sensitivity to any sort of criticism eg I get told my work performance is lacking and I instantly feel bullied and picked on

-changing my mind all the time eg getting upset about having to pay half the rent and then being ok with it

I started doing these things in around 2005 and they reached their peak in 2015 when I was still with my ex husband. I had no BPD symptoms before 2005 (same year I was kicked out of home).

One thing I used to do when I was younger but don’t have the need for anymore is danger excitement. Eg meeting a new guy, going on a crash diet, excessive exercise to lose weight and going out with him while my partner is at home having no idea what’s going on. Then finding a problem with and getting over the side guy until the next one comes along. If a guy was in a different city or country I’d get all excited about making plans to see him but would never go through with it and then ghost him once getting sick of him. Used to happen every winter until my fiancée who I have never cheated on (although I met him when I was with my ex husband and had a six month affair before leaving my husband for him). When I was with my first long term boyfriend of 6 years I had two other boyfriends during that time as well (two timing) and none of them found out. All this time I was living with the long term boyfriend.

Physically i I have been very unwell for one and a half years. I suffer from recurring dizziness, extreme fatigue, feeling of being in a daze and disconnected from reality, constant low grade fever and sinus infections. I do believe I suffer from severe PMS as well as my BPD symptoms are worse around my periods. I’ve had a few medical tests which are insignificant.

My ex husband was convinced I had BPD but I felt like he was trying to emotional abuse and manipulate me by continually saying it. After reading the symptoms it’s me to tee.

Reason I am wanting help is because I am completely in love with my fiancée of 3 years and don’t want to abuse him anymore but realise I’m doing to him what I did to all my ex’s and now well into the stages of trying to isolate him from his family.

I dont even know why I do all this and of course I know my behaviour is completely irrational and not normal. I can have periods of being normal and feeling normal then I’ll go back on decisions I made when the BPD kicks in. I think it’s to assert myself as being in control because I am obsessed with the fact I had none in my childhood and don’t have a supportive family like so many other people.

The very odd thing the BPD thoughts dont happen when I’m out alone with my small group of friends and I feel totally normal (I consider myself a great friend and never abuse friends). It doesn’t happen when I’m with new people either. Doesn’t happen when I’m at the hairdressers. It’s only when I’ve got to know someone after a while. There’s a very obvious pattern that keeps occurring. When I’m in an anger range I just hurl verbal abuse and am over it within the same or next day which is causing my fiancée extreme anxiety.

I recently had a great three month period after I quit my job and didn’t abuse my fiancée at all in that time. But we didn’t leave the house or see his family in that time. And that isn’t real life or sustainable in the long term. I recently got a new job which is going well after an initial shaky 2 weeks.

Any advice on how I can get help would be greatly appreciated. I didn’t think I’d be taken seriously if I just walk into a psych’s office and say I have diagnosed myself with BPD.

I also would like to say whilst I’ve had suicidal thoughts it is because I want the pain to stop in that moment but I don’t want to die. I’ve never attempted suicide and could never do it as I fear it.

Thank you if you made it to the end. I know I have some serious issues but I WANT TO GET BETTER 100%. If anyone thinks I have something other than BPD I’m all ears.