Hi Janey,
My partner has BPD and I tend to get similar responses whenever I try to raise most things that concern me. Changing the subject by any means necessary, saying it was me, Shutting down or pushing me away. Because it made me feel so invalidated and unimportant I spent a long time trying to change her behaviour or reactions. This was unhelpful and I made very little progress. So I began to focus more how and when I raised things that I knew may not be received well. This was better but sometimes, but due to the subject matter itself (anything that can seem like a failing on their part, any criticism) it often doesnt matter how I nicely I put it, even prefacing it with how its not a big deal, easy to do, i do it myself etc, I often get told I'm being mean or horrible, making a big deal out of something small etc.
I find that the only thing that constantly has a positive result is completely within my way of thinking; recognizing that it is not because they dont care or I am unimportant to them, but it is a direct result of having BPD. They act the way they do because they are protecting themselves. Setting healthy boundaries, genuinely reconising that the only person we have any amount of control over how they behave is ourselves and comprehending properly that they are struggling with something internally that strongly influences their behaviour is almost all you can do. It can take some of the sting out of their words. This can make you feel helpless, because it puts so much responsibility on his own personal awareness. It's by no means a fix, but it is the only thing i have found that is helpful
