BPD

Hi @Artvandalay and welcome to the forum.

I support my wife of 19 years who lives with BPD, we have 3 young children.

I don't have any answers unfortunately but I wanted to encourage you. It is great that you are seeking help, as you have already mentioned yourself if you don't look after you you cant support your family 😞

I have a thread here that may be helpful for you. I am happy to answer any questions you may have.

One of the biggest things I have learned in recent years is that boundaries are most important and unfortunately 'letting things slide' does more harm than good. something I only learned after a major crisis. I discuss this in more detail in my thread.

Please feel free to ask any questions and I will do my best to answer, or I am happy to just listen. you will find everyone here very supportive and it really helps to just be able to talk our feelings especially when having a bad day, we all get that here.

Hi there @Artvandalay sending so much compassion and love your way. First and foremost regardless of diagnosis, feeling you are in an emotionally abusive relationship isn't okay. It is very possible once she commences the DBT therapy they will begin to instill some self reliance and realisations around her distresses and how they impact you.

Is there a start date yet for the DBT program? Are you able to seek out face to face therapy for yourself? You are certainly deserving of this support and it's nice to have a safe space to be heard and come up with ideas to improve your wellbeing.

Just letting you know too we are having a discussion over here tomorrow night on getting through the festive season as a carer, feel free to pop in if you like 🙂

How are you feeling after writing this all out?

Hi @Determined,

Thanks for the welcome and thank you for the support. It really is very comforting to connect with other people who truely do understand what my partner and I are going through. I have heard (or read) the setting of boundaries thing before but I'm not sure what these boundaries are suppoosed be. Could you elaborate on yours a little to help me understand.

Thanks

Hi @Former-Member,

Thank you for your support, it is greatly apprciated. We hope to find out this week when the DBT program starts, there was a little confusion in having it arranged. I have been seeing a psychologist but the appointments are fairly far apart and at this stage I don't feel that it is has been helping.

It has really helped me to right my post although only a very brief discription of current day life. I was having a very down day yesterday and was feeling extremely lost and helpless. Finding Sane and this community has lifted my spirits and knowing that support is only a click away is something I will be forever greatful to the community for.

Hi @Artvandalay

I have tagged you over in my thread for a more in depth explanation on what boundaries mean for us.

For me the barrier for boundaries was that I did not agree with 'making rules' for my wife as you would with a child. A great councillor pointed out that the boundaries were more like guidelines to make life easier than simply rules. For someone with BPD these guidelines created a feeling of safety through knowing what to expect. On the other hand letting things go and making excuses created uncertainty and anxiety.

The list of boundaries we have were specific to our particular dynamic and may be different from.what you need but include:

1. If you (my darling) talk to me disrespectfully I will not engage in the discussion, if you do not settle down I will leave the room. (Verbal abuse is not ok, particularly in front of the children).
2. If you (my darling) engage in any self harm you will need to go to the ED, if you don’t go freely I will call for an ambulance.
   -Last time we had an ambulance come (MIL called in a panic during a melt down when she was present) the ambulance arrived with 2 police cars for all the neighbour's to see, very embarrassing so no a decision made lightly).
   -(There is now also the option to contact pdoc 7 days a week for admission to private ward if necessary subject to availability of beds).
3. If you drive off in the car during a melt down I wall call the police and report you as a danger to yourself and others. (This is based on past events).
4. When I am at work/ Uni I am not to be contacted, my phone will be diverted to voicemail before I leave home. (Alternate contacts during this time are, Mum, Mum in law, church pastor or lifeline). This is based on consistently being called with threats of self harm particularly before exams while at uni.

I also agree with @Former-Member

Emotional abuse is never ok.

This is one thing that I endured for far too long until a councillor classified how I was being treated as domestic violence and backed it up with data from book of guidelines. This was the lightbulb moment for me to do something about the boundaries.

While it certinally has not fixed things for us when I am consist in my responses it can often diffuse a situation or stop things from escalating out of control.

Hope this helps.

Happy to answer any questions you have from reading my thread or generally and happy to lend an ear when ever necessary. I have recieved some amazing support here on the forums through a very difficult time in the life of our family so sure you will find everyone here helpful.

I sympathise with you completely Artvandalay (love the Seinfeld reference). I've been with my partner for 27 years now and married for 20 of those. What you describe pretty much mirrors my situation. Has your partner been refered into DBT therapy? Mine made a start 2 weeks ago, but at her second attempt, she fell apart mid session. She's now been admitted as an in patient at the same premises receiving what I hope will be the best of care.

Really feeling for you man- you've done the right thing in reaching out here. Oftentimes we do feel alone (I'll vouch for that myself) and wondering if we're going crazy. I was so relieved that my wife got her diagnosis, because prior to that, I was flying completely blindwhich is not good. At least now, I have some perspective.

My situation is far from ideal- our whole life has been upended in the last 12 months. I love my wife too and am prepared to give it my best shot but as I'm sure you'd know... it certainly aint easy.

Keep reaching out man; self help is definately required (I admit, I'm not very good at it myself); this is my first time posting here or seeking any kind of reflection from like experienced people.

Look after yourself man- number 1 🙂