A long road in search for an answer and a peaceful mind

Hello

How to wrap up 48 years of turmoil in my brain other than say, at 18 I would have been horrified to know that it is still with me at 48.

I was different from day 1. My family rejected me, the neighbours and their children rejected me, my peers rejected me, I was abused verbally and physically by my brother and belted by my dad for "looking guilty". I never felt like I had a place in this world and ran away from home alot before 10 yrs old, just to see if anyone cared enough to notice me gone. Yes, attention seeking behaviour, which extended into adult life and has thankfully decreased now, but happens in other ways - drama and confusion in how to process life. I have read 3/4 of every self help book since I was 18, been married twice, am just realising now along with anxiety and depression, I may have ADD and split personality. It was such a disappointment to hear the help in city I live in for ADD for adults is limited.

The therapy world has come a long way in these 30 years but I am yet to find my key to sanity. I have massive insecurity, struggled with massive jealousy through childhood and now in my adult relationships with partners and have lived through my parents bitter divorce at 11 and for the rest of my childhood, supporting myself since 16 and cheated on every person I have ever been with bar 1. I was abused by my step brother at 19 and was in the SLAA recovery group for 6 years. Did a terrible job at abstaining from relationships and sticking to the recovery work. I am brilliant at self sabotage and intellectualising my mind to the point that therapists think I am all over it. Well I am not. I am lucky I have a job where I am self managed and I will be honest and say I have been super lucky I havent been fired yet for lack of focus and work.

I am not scared of death, but with 3 children I don't seek it but this is all wearing a bit thin. Back to the Dr again tomorrow for more help - always hopeful the next 'therapist' is the key. Have been in blended families all my life but last 3 relationships have struggled to the point of a break down with having to deal with sharing a partner with an ex wife. Not matter how horrible or nice they are to me. Dont want to lose my current relationship and dont want my now adult children to see their mum still sdtruggling. Alot of trauma for everyone. I have summarised as much as I can but as you can imagine, there is more !

Thank you for listening and my question is - if I have tried almost everything, any ideas on what to try next that may help. I am desperate for some peace in my head.