Josie72Senior Contributor
Heavy Heart
I have a very heavy heart. The deep life pain that a new surface issue has uncovered that I thought I’d come to terms with
My father was a bully back in the days when bullying & emotional abuse where not recognised. My sister & I had all the hall marks of abuse without the physical or sexual abuse so they couldn’t figure out what was wrong. My sister, who is older than me, while protective of me against my father became controlling & manipulative.
I first experienced depression at 16 in 1988. I left home at 16 because of my father. I drank, smoke pot, had sex with anyone who showed affection. I put myself in so many dangerous situations.
It’s been a long journey. I fought back in my 20’s and tried to stand up for myself. My father & sister washed their hands of me. I did talk to them foe several years. My mum stuck by me. I was so nasty to them all but she kept coming back while I worked through my issues.
I had PND with both my babies in 2002 & 2004. I had a series of breakdowns as my marriage imploded through 2005-2006. Depression settled in but I fought. I reconnected with my dad & sister. Dad’s behaviour deteriorated as he aged and we broke again after a few years.
I was diagnosed with BPD & I completed DBT in 2015. It saved my life. Changed me at my core. I thought about reconnecting with dad but my sister said he had gotten worse.
My dad died earlier this month. I was okay with his death. His will came out. I also have 2 older half siblings. He gave them 35% each, my sister 25% & me 5%. I don’t care about them money. It would make a big difference in my life but at the same time. I cut from him. I wasn’t strong enough to handle his ongoing abuse. But it hurts. It is his last act designed to cause pain. Include me so I’m informed but limit me to punish me. My sister is angry that the other 2 got more than her. That dad only gave her 25% because if he gave her more then she would give the extra to me. That triggered a though in me that she could always distribute some of hers to me to balance the 30% we got.
When I broke from dad he threatened to cut me out so it was no surprise. I’d accepted it but as his health failed over the last few years my mum had convinced me that I deserve to get my share. Now she is back peddling and saying I should be grateful that he gave me 5%
My mum won’t involve herself between my sister & I. My sister won’t involve herself between our half siblings & I.
I feel like I’ve fought on my own my whole life. While I’ve had some ‘support’ it’s largely been at their convenience or only when the shit has hit the fan and is dribbling down the walls. They try but they don’t understand I appreciate what they have done so much but at the same time. I have still largely fought on my own. I’ve had to change my thinking, my behaviour. I’ve had to accept them for who they are. I’ve had to lower my expectations. This is all work I did through DBT.
I feel like when it comes down to it they don’t care about my interests. I’m not talking about putting me above all else. I’m talking about balance. They never follow up. They never check in. I have to ring them. I have to seek them out and always ask for help. They come. They pacify. The go.
Now I have a choice. Accept the will. Deal with my pain and the complexity of my thoughts & feelings or fight for a fair share of dad’s estate. To fight. It brings it down to the money. They don’t want me to fight because it will upset them. It will break the family. The fact that they aren’t supporting me has the same effect. Why do I have to be the bigger person. Why can’t they be the bigger people & support me. Why is it always me that is thrown under the bus because I’m the problem. I have the problem. I’m being unreasonable. I expect too much
I feel like fighting more because I’ve had enough of giving in. If I fight the will &. They walk away. That’s on them because I’ve had to let go of so much because I wanted a relationship with them
