JannaSenior Contributor
Fighting the Black Dog
I am pleased to report that after just 2 weeks in the residential care programe my son has shown a remarkable improvement. Prior to his admission he was existing in an almost completely vegetative state in his bedroom unwilling to participate in anything. He did not socialise, exercise or even tend to the basics of self-care. He was hostile, defiant, resistant to all suggestions, non-communicative, unmotivated, and had a sleep/wake cycle akin to a vampire. After Week 1 when I picked him up for the weekend I was met with a young man who spoke to me for the entire 1 hour car trip home, who laughed, helped me do some shopping and was co-operative and compliant. He woke at a normal early hour on Saturday AND had breakfast together with me and repeated this on Sunday!!!!!! On Monday morning when it was time to return he was able to rise and be ready to leave by 7.30am. After Week 2 (this week) I have seen further improvements. He is even more talkative and shocked me with a desire to buy new clothes, which is HUGE for someone who lived in PJs and has never, ever been remotely interested in clothing or appearance. We went shopping for some clothes and for the first time ever in his life he displayed preferences and vocalised what he liked and didn't like :). This is a stark contrast to previously where he would never want to go to the shops, let alone waste time over clothing selections. His attitude was always "whatever" and "that will do". Additionally he has expressed a desire to be taught how to prepare food for himself and has ventured out of his room more in 24 hours than in the past 3 months. I have had good reports from his teacher and good feedback from his clinical care team.
For those members who struggle with adolescents that suffer with depression/anxiety I wanted to share some of my strategies for staying sane as a carer. Firstly, I believe my biggest sanity saver was shedding the responsibility and placing it back onto my son. This required me to back off significantly and not take his behaviour onboard and allow it to upset me. It required acceptance that this is the way things are - e.g. if he doesn't want to shower, then so be it; if he wants to stay up until 4.00am, then so be it; if he want to exist in the confines of his bedroom, then so be it, etc. Even though this required me to override my inherent motherly instincts, it needed to be done. I believe my son was becoming more depressed and inversely defiant in response to my distress and requests, so I backed off. I knew that everything that could be done was being done and that he had been armed with many strategies to help himself via his psychologist and psychiatrist. Any improvements had to come from him and had nothing to do with me. I chose to be a constant and consistent mother that gently encouraged him but who didn't push or respond negatively. Above all I oozed non-judgemental acceptance of him and his condition.
Secondly, I gave my own needs some priority instead of always placing them behind his. This required me to firm up on boundaries and have the ability to say "No" or "I can't do that because I ..." or simply just getting on with the activities of my life without compromise. I had to consciously acknowledge that I needed time out and some "me-time" if I was going to maintain my mental health and be an effective parent/carer. I needed to listen to myself - if I felt tired it meant I needed to rest; if I felt stressed it meant I had to do something nice and self-caring, etc. I had to replace feelings of guilt and self-blame with feelings of compassion and acceptance.
It's only early days but I am beginning to reconnect with the boy I lost to depression 3 years ago. This is the best reward I could ask for. It's been a long and difficult journey that has required perserverance and is exactly why we should always remain hopeful and never give up and why it is essential that we look after ourselves so we can last the distance.
I hope this post serves as an inspiration to others and also acts as reminder that we (the carers) must also look ater ourselves.
Janna ❤️
