Erie

She'd shut them off (her whole family) she couldn’t have one without the other so when her mother commit suicide... she walked away from them all... all 6 remaining family members.

Her head was convinced it was the smartest thing to do. But her heart, full of emotion, often hijacked her memory and took it exploring into the depths of her mind.

Sometimes, when the memory caused her to smile, she'd allow it to continue a little while longer...but it would never take too long for reality of the matter to sink in, and then the smile would shift dramatically, feelings following suit.

In the end her heart would always promise her head not to stray again. And her heart did genuinely try to keep that promise. But memories are triggered so easily and without warning.... So it was difficult.

Who have you told? Was my fathers foremost concern when I told him that my brother had abused me when I was 5.

Not, are you ok? No widening of the eyes or any hugs or nurture of any sort. Just worry of judgement. An overwhelming worry of judgement. A worry that did, in a sense, shape my world.

The loneliness is eerie. It's consuming and it's dark. My mind wanders. I just want to hold it in place- right where it is- I don't want it to wander. But it's impossible to do that. When my mind wanders I start to think about my effect on people, and overwhelmingly I notice that it is rarely a good effect. I annoy and confuse people. I pester people. I do this because I don't want to be alone with my thoughts. It must be so desperate and repelling from where they stand.

I read in all these books and hear all these preachers telling you the way to inner peace is to let go of hate. How do I let go?