Yesterday

@Queenie Hi Queenie is your wife talking about her children when she is saying family? because I have to be honest here there is no one as important as my children. If I was in a relationship with George Clooney he would not be as important as my children. No one is and that is a fact. I love my children above everything and would die for them.

If she is discussing members other than her children and her parents, lets say, I would be curious as to why she would feel that way as you both are a couple and have been together for a long time. I don't know ... maybe you should ask her where her comment has come from. Have you upset her without realising it.... then she should tell you without making hurtful remarks .... you see Queenie this is why I am not in a relationship anymore being bipolar and schizo is enough to deal with without having to deal with moody partners and their children.

So anyway I would ask her what she meant by that and state how much it hurt you. See her reaction. She may just say well it is the truth of which you will have to deal with it. As I said if it is her children they would be her most important priority. That is normal.

Dont harm yourself. Write some poetry on yourself instead (that is what I do) then it gets washed away in the shower for new poetry next time I am feeling vulnerable.

God I have spoken alot for me. Take care sweet Queenie don't let people's comments drag you down. Read my avatar and do the same. xxxx

Oh @Queenie I was crying while I read your post. You poor thing having to go through so much.

What is the reason behind your psychologist asking you to do that homework? I think for me if I had to do thst I would end up in hospital. It’s too triggering for me. Snd I csn understand how difficult this must be for you.

I understand what you say about acceptance. I know my parents find it difficult to accept I have been abused as a child snd have a mental illness.

I am so sorry you lost a child. Thst is so heartbreaking 😥

its hard with relationships I get thst too.

Pls take care snd remember you are a fighter and you deserve to be happy.

Hugs ❤️❤️

@Queenie. Your self harm - it happened. But it was just one time. Just one day. Yes the urge to SH again may be strong, but you don't have to follow through on those urges. It was a one off. It doesn't mean you are back self harming. It was a single slip.

Stay strong

Hey @Queenie

Sorry you felt so bad, that it happened again.

I notice when you are not around. To me you are not a lurker at all, you are an activist with a huge burden. You are a woman who carries. You might be on the margins, but that is not a cause for shame.

I am not sure how to say this, but I have often wondered how much your partner is committed to the relationship with you. I feel she is taking you for granted.

Sorry that you lost a child. There is a lot of grief in your life to manage and being treated poorly does not give you a sense of safety in which to process the trauma. It might be worth discussing that with your therapist. I know my therapist has strong feelings about not retraumatising her clients. We need to be able to secure home base before we do trauma work.

I only process things very slowly and I have been living alone for 16 years. It has taken the time it has taken.

We do care for you here @Queenie Dont beat up on yourself about how much you post. I also know I am in a fortunate position having a secure home base now, so I can give back.

Please look after yourself and put a little pressure on your partner to be present for you.You dont need to be put last ALL the time. She should make some priority ... or whats the point?? You can also be a strong woman. Get some life happening outside of the house.

Batting for you girl.

I am also experienced enough on both sides to know gayness isnt everything. Same sex or opposite sex ... does not matter ... there has to be something that makes it special. I would say one night a week at least ...every week ...

For a long time I would say I am half bloke or half gay ... etc ... etc ...

Take Care Q

Hi @Queenie, adding another voice here saying, you matter to us here on the forum. Never mind how much or how little you are here. You are a valued member of this community. Your experiences in life, coupled with the mindset we find in mental illness, may have given you the self-perception of living on the margins. Perhaps it is true and you do, but I also think there a lot of us who feel that way. That at least means we are all on the margins together, and when there are so many of us, really that means we belong to a community. Personally, I have gained much inner strength from feeling a part of the community here, so that it matters less to me if I often feel like an awkward oddball in other social situations.

Huge hugs if you'd like them for what your wife said to you. As @Bunniekins said, I can understand it if she was talking about prioritising her children above all else. Was that what she meant? Is it possible at all that you might have misinterpreted what she meant? I know that sometimes, when I'm especially down, my perceptions of how others feel and behave towards me gets dark and skewed. On the other hand, like @Appleblossom, I have wondered about the way your wife treats you, from what you have said over time.

I am not an overt self-harmer. I tend to harm myself in more subtle ways. So I don't really have that much to say about that. But, from having struggled with unwanted addictions in my life, I agree with @utopia that falling down once is just a single mistake that happened yesterday, and doesn't have to happen tomorrow.

Great that you have written on the forum as a way of dealing with your emotions. It's good for for that, hey? I wrote myself through the only seriously suicidal time I've had in my life. These days I do it on the forum, where we can write anything we like, in the safety of anonymity and the likelihood of a sympathetic hearing.

I too am sad you lost a child. I relate to some extent, as I had two terminations in my life. I have never regretted those decisions, as they were made for very good reasons, but I sometimes think about how old those children might be now. Hugs again if you'd like them, for those feelings of loss.

Take it easy on yourself, @Queenie. If others around you are not being good friends to you, make the best and kindest effort to be a friend to yourself. Easier said than done, I know. But you matter.

p.s. About the work with your psychologist. Personally, I disagree with treatment that pushes us to rehash old trauma, unless it comes naturally from ourselves in our sessions. It's great to have someone to talk to about these things, and give helpful feedback, but I tend to leave treating practitioners who leave me feeling more depressed and troubled, and find someone else more helpful to me.

Finally, if you can, try to feel the love coming at you from all the posts in this thread. So many words of care for @Queenie. Let them carry your sadness away, or at least to lighten it.

Gee everyone, I am truly overwhelmed by your kind words of support and understanding. I am not in a good place at the moment at all. I see my GP tomorrow for a referral to hospital. I think that is the right place for me right now as I am teetering on the edge of collapse. It probably doesn't help all this trauma being raised from my worst memories homework is happening at the exact same time as I am learning about parenting education at college. I am frazzled and feel extremely self destructive. I've been hallucinating again and they mean I haven't been getting enough rest either.

I'm basically burnt out I think and on turbulent seas.

Thank you again one and all for your kindness, it means more to me than you will ever truly know.

Take care @Queenie ❤️