I can see her crashing.

Hi @Amyg,

Thanks for sharing your story. It sounds like you’ve tried to discuss your concerns with your daughter but so far she hasn’t been interested in opening up about all that you’ve noticed? It can be tricky to approach someone sensitively if we’re worried about them but it is great you gave it a go. I encourage you to let her know that while she might not feel up to talking about it right now, that you’re still available and would be happy to be there if she changes her mind. People can often feel a great deal of shame around other people noticing the signs or scars of physical self-harm, so pointing it out directly can lead people to feel defensive or put on the spot in the moment (e.g., leading them to make up excuses etc). Oftentimes people do want to talk about it, but they’re perhaps just too nervous or embarrassed if they’re taken off guard. I am sure you are a very concerned and caring mum as you have taken the time to sign up as a member to figure out what to do next.

Self-harm is oftentimes a way of directing emotional pain in a physical way. While this can provide momentary relief, it is not a productive strategy as it can be very risky and unsafe. Is this the first time you have noticed the self-harm with your daughter? If so I wonder if perhaps this is something she is doing to cope while she cannot take medication due to her pregnancy? If she does warm up to having a sit down to chat things through with you, it might be helpful to brainstorm different coping strategies that are not so dangerous.

One member with lived experience of self-harm started a thread a while back you might like to check out called the 'Coping Box'. This might offer some ideas about strategies to suggest to your daughter in managing her stress levels right now while medication is not an option. There's also this resource about self-harm distractions. It's from the UK, but there's some pratical tips on things you can do.

Fellow members @Hummingbird, @Leigh and @LTS are also caring for their adult children at home. I wonder if they could offer any other suggestions or support for you right now.

Please keep us posted with how things are tracking 🙂

Take care,
Mosaic.

Hi @Amyg

It is clear that you are very worried about your daughter in law. It is really hard when a loved one is struggling to see, or admit, that something is wrong. What I love about your comment is that along with her diagnosis and previous treatment you mention what a great mum she is to her two kids. That is really special and a great starting point for another conversation.

What we notice when speaking with new parents is the enormous guilt and shame when mental health declines during pregnancy or early after birth of bub. There appears to be an ‘extra dose’ of stigma that comes with being a new parent with a mental illness. Being able to break through the shame and have an honest conversation is so important… and it seems you have the capacity to do so.

You might like to start with sharing your observations of what a great mum she is and how lucky you are to have a daughter in law who is raising your grandchildren with so much love. You might want to say that just like she loves her children, you want to care and support her and you notice things are not OK… that you have noticed she is withdrawing, and this doesn’t make her a bad mum it just means that she needs to get some help, before the birth. You might want to tell her that she is not alone, that 1 in 10 pregnant women are thought to experience depression or anxiety and 1 in 7 in the postnatal period.

You mentioned she is not on any medication due to being 6 months pregnant. I wonder if she was on medication prior to the pregnancy and stopping the medication has contributed to her current mental health decline. What we do know is that anyone with a history of mental illness is particularly vulnerable to relapse in the perinatal period and many pregnant women stop taking their medication when they may have been able to stay on it. Some medications are thought to be safe during pregnancy where the risk of untreated mental illness is deemed to outweigh any potential side effects. This is not all medications but definitely some. Specialist expert knowledge is required when talking about medication pregnancy and breastfeeding. A perinatal psychiatrist is a really good starting point. Was your daughter in law connected with one during her previous pregnancies? Has she been linked in with one at the Maternity Hospital?

We would be pleased to support you through having these difficulty and tricky conversations or to talk directly with her about what she is experiencing and how we might support her to access the assessment and treatment she needs: PANDA Helpline 1300 726 306 M-F 10am – 5pm (AEST). There is also information on our website, including personal stories of recovery from antenatal anxiety and depression www.panda.org.au

@Amyg it is great you notice and care. Let us know how you go.