Feels weird stepping out of the shell.

Wanted to know if anybody felt like this.

I grew up in an abusive household. My schooling years weren't as pleasant - teachers were just as abusive as my parents and my classmates behaved like wolves, ie the teachers' displeasure at my mere presence in class somehow caused the entire class to turn on me. I was bullied and my parents were rarely present for most of my life. Teachers sided with the bullies. My parents swallowed whatever lies that were being fed to them and have always doubted me. My own relatives accused me of thievery (they ran a bakery) when I took a loaf of bread out of the display case because I haven't had lunch that day and nobody in my family gave me money to buy food. I had the intention to inform them of my actions but I was too hungry to go look for them so I ate it first. All the fuss over a loaf of bread... my parents didn't hold back on the punishments that day when they found out. There was even this growing suspicion amongst the family and teachers that I was a mentally challenged child. I had speech difficulty when young and crying would lead to more "punishments". I just couldn't think of a way in communicating my frustrations when nobody wants to listen. My cousins were high achievers and my parents showered them with love and attention I never had. I like to believe they cared about me once upon a time.

The problems I had while growing up, I kept to myself. I avoided people to escape the bullying and judgments. I found solace in reading and playing video games. Tried asking friends and family but they were super uncomfortable about talking to me. The place I grew up in was, still is, terribly oppresive and repressive. Opening up is an invitation for severe repercussions from the people around me.

I grew up alone. I had a dog. Don't get me wrong: I loved that goofy furball to bits but it wasn't the same.

Fast forward +20 years later.

Left home for uni. I felt happy to leave that cursed environment I called 'home'.

High expectations were suddenly placed on me by my family to succeed in life - great career, getting married and raise kids. People whom I thought were my friends became envious of me leaving home for a new journey. Back talks and hurtful words were exchanged.

As soon as I'm out in the real world in a different environment, I was dumbfounded by the complexity of human interactions. You have what you call "social gaffes" and faux pas and whatnots.

It's like getting blinded by the first rays of sunlight in the morning.

People keep telling me my past doesn't define me but it's very difficult to change after enduring all the painful experiences.

The clay has been molded and fired up. I try to change but it feels so weird and disagreeable in some ways... eg I have to party often, knowing when to take things seriously or lighten up.

I admit the hardship I've endured made me resilient but it also ruined me.

"You're so emotional." - I'll stop whinging.

"You're asympathetic." - I'll be extra considerate in the future.

"You're bold." - Am I not meant to do that?

I was never told what was right or wrong while growing up. There were constant reminders from people around me that I am a failure and I need to fight extra hard to get to where everyone is. The real me is either too emotional or too cold. But things that people always described me are "overly defensive" and "too kind/pushover". Yes I can see the correlation here.

I cut off all contact with people back home. Family included. Have a sibling that really looked up to me. And it's that very sibling that kept me going. She followed me when I first left home. She, too, couldn't stand the environment. She begged to follow me and my parents allowed it. Family and friends were kinder to her than me for reasons unknown. But she took to the new environment like dolphins in the ocean and I am so glad she's not as messed up as I am. I am not jealous of her. I admit I can be overprotective of her sometimes but I'm glad she's aware of my situation. She witnessed her eldest sibling stepping in to help anytime, anywhere and seen me weather the storm.

I try to do what society perceives as normal/healthy anyways. Nothing's as straightforward as it seems. I observe people. I emulate them the best I can. It's like growing up a 2nd time. It's so out of character. I don't even know how to describe myself anymore.

My behaviour somehow irks my employer and colleagues. I tend to distance myself so I won't cross anyone unintentionally. I get the job done well at least. Office banter? Not so much. There are times I pull comical stunts which brightens everyone's day but nobody bothered when my day is dark and I've come to accept it.

I know the feeling of extreme happiness and I try to recall that feeling when times are bad. It's a feeling unlike any other and it can only be summoned when I revisit the memory which led to that feeling. I aim to make the most out of the happy encounters in my life: treating myself to a wholesome meal, giving sneaky pets and treats to the dog next door, enjoying a good video gaming session, etc.

It is through pain that I learn what is right and wrong - family abuse and society's perceptions towards my actions and speech. I tried behaving like my parents in the real world and they've always gotten me into trouble and left poor impressions on people I've met. I have also met people who come from backgrounds far worse than mine (refugees, growing up in poverty stricken villages, etc) and I have nothing but absolute respect and compassion for them (except if they are being unreasonable of course). I admire their strength above all.

I am the oddball. The stoic. The childish one. The compassionate person.

I am also a survivor. It's the only fact that I can take pride in.

So here I am and this is my story.