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Loss of old friends

CrazyJContributor21 Oct 2018, 4:05 pm AEDT

Loss of old friends

I have been coping with the way my bipolar has ruined so many friendships with me behind the wheel . I am currently confronted with the impending death of a teenage friends father. Upon hearing of his fathers illness I reached out to my old friend.

Then I went on facebook and realized I had friend requested this person years ago. It shows a lot of our old group are mutual friends online. So I was ignored. Of course I realize I have been mentally ill from a young age and wasn't diagnosed until 45. Or medicated..

I lived a rough childhood and these people gave me a place to stay so many nights when my own family threw me out as a teenager, even though they didn't want me there and couldn't afford to feed me. I am moved so deeply by this mans illness.

I somewhat have the means to help financially now and I know they need it. I am not rich, but I could help. I'm trying to understand my feelings of being unwanted as I have dealt with feeling unwanted my entire life. I want to help but at the same time I am hurt.

I'm trying not to make this about me. Its about the man dying in the hospital. I have been looking at an envelope full of cash for weeks trying to decide what to do. How do you anonymously deliver a large sum of money to someone who doesn't want your friendship? Or do I bother? Years ago I buried my mother and brother and none of this old group were there to support me when i needed them. Should that matter?

I think my feelings are tied to the pain of my youth and my own family. Again, I have been sick so many years. Is it even about this man or my own relationship with my own father?

So much of this illness is being self obsessed. It was so much easier prior to medication. I got to be the victim no matter whose fault it was. (Normally my own fault if i had to guess) I got to say F that guy and move on. Now I see my part and can't just shrug off my destuctive nature.

I truly want to help this mans family, as he helped me. But I am struggling with it. At the same time the sick part of me is saying screw you if you don't want my friendship.

It all has to do with a lifetime of mental illness. I'm so tired of being alone and losing friends. I am one of the most loyal, caring people you will ever meet. Why do people turn away? Why do I have this life sentence? Someone please help me. I don't know how to deal with this.

Thanks

Need some guidance friends.

6 replies

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In response to: Loss of old friends

BunniekinsSenior Contributor21 Oct 2018, 5:10 pm AEDT

Re: Loss of old friends

@CrazyJ Hi CrazyJ you know what I would do? I would give the money to a sanctury. One of those not for profit sancturies. There are many I am an animal person so I would pick koalas or parrots or rabbits etc. something that relys on peoples donations. The past can hurt and old wounds can be opened up so easily I suppose what I am saying is do you want to go there again? But the choice is yours and you might find it cathartic reaching out to them again after such a long time just as you say make sure it is for the right reasons.

In response to: Re: Loss of old friends

BunniekinsSenior Contributor21 Oct 2018, 5:14 pm AEDT

Re: Loss of old friends

@CrazyJ I should add that I also have bipolar 1 and schizo and have left a trail of destruction in my wake now forgiven by my family BUT not by everyone so it seems so bear that in mind.

In response to: Loss of old friends

AppleblossomSenior Contributor21 Oct 2018, 5:17 pm AEDT

Re: Loss of old friends

Hi @CrazyJ welcome to the forum. I have found it helpful over the years.

Its great you have some spare cash. If you are so ambivalent, You dont have to give it to them. You may still need for yourself or others who come into your life.

I have recently reconnected with some old friends.

I am letting go of the issues about them standing by me through my tough times. Things were really so complicated I cant blame them. To some extent it is natural that people come and go as life evolves, and they are good to me now.

Concentrate on your gratitude to the dying man who gave you a place to put your head.

I had an experience like that. Where a family gave me some understanding as a teenager. His photos are on my wall. The abusive son is not.

Go visit him if you can or want to. Go to the funeral and be true to your grief. You may have been hard to handle too, so saying something along those lines may allow space and see what emerges.

I would keep the money thing out of it, unless they express a need, or you sense that it is right.

Try and deal with each thing individually. Money can make things messy.

Take Care

Apple

In response to: Loss of old friends

ScarecroweSenior Contributor21 Oct 2018, 7:19 pm AEDT

Re: Loss of old friends

@CrazyJ Tough situation. This is what I would do.

I would reach out without mentioning the money. If they accept you back into their lives, great. Then if and when the right moment arrives mention the money.

If they don't accept you back then at least you have tried.

And when you look back in years to come you can say to yourself I tried and they did not want me back. No regrets. If you don't give it a go you will always be thinking what if. And there is nothing worse than the 'what ifs' hounding your thoughts.

And no matter what happens you can always attend the funeral (when the sad time comes), to say goodbye if you want. You don't need anyone's permission for that. They cannot stop you from attending.

I wish you all the luck in this sticky situation. Hope this helps.

I wish you all the luck.

In response to: Re: Loss of old friends

CrazyJContributor21 Oct 2018, 8:09 pm AEDT

Re: Loss of old friends

@Appleblossom thanks for the input. I know that money will make things uncomfortable. I had decided to have a friend drop it anonymously, but I am struggling with it. This is the group I ran with. As we all agree, its not about me. Just yrying to help someone who helps me. Its hard not to just accept that its me. I'm just tired of it being me.

In response to: Re: Loss of old friends

CrazyJContributor21 Oct 2018, 8:17 pm AEDT

Re: Loss of old friends

@scarecrow

I have texted with my old friend. He takes a couple days to get back then gives me an update. I have tried to call and talk with him a coue times. I always vet voicemail. Now he has a full time job and a dying father, so I know I'm not the person on his mind when he wakes up in the morning. I was going to have the money dropped anonymously to not make things akward. How arrogant of me would it be to walk up and hand the guy a stack of bills... I just want to help and I know they need it.

I always thought this group of guys would remain friends for life, and mot of us have.

I'm just trying to do the right thing...

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