What a windy, twisty road this has been. Hello, everyone.

This is my first post in the SANE Australia forums, and I suspect it won't be my last.

Hello, all. I hope, given it's a Friday, that everyone is feeling a little bit better than Thursday, and a whole lot better than Monday; I know I am. These days, though, that doesn't mean much; or at least, the end of the week doesn't necessarily herald the arbitrary joy that it once did.

I was first alerted to the existence of SANE about three weeks ago following a rather confronting conversation with my psychiatrist in which I was, more or less, diagnosed as having Bipolar II disorder (BP2). At the time I was relieved, having been at wits' end enduring the steep declining efficacy of antidepressants. (I have since learned that an incorrect diagnosis of depression often precedes a correct diagnosis of Bipolar.) My relief, however, was short-lived. Fear, angst and rapid cycling of mood set up camp in my mind. Questions started creeping in:

- could I have prevented this?

- did I cause my BP2 through drug use? Or was drug use a symptom of my condition?

- who, if anyone, in my family might also have BP2? Was it inherited?

- will I pass on the condition to my children? Are my children safe around me?

I have read through so many of the personal accounts on these forums, and a great many of them are utterly tragic. No, tragic is too light a word. Abhorrently confronting and unfathomable. That just about does it. I applaud so many of you for continuing to look for light in darkness; you are so strong.

Reading such accounts made me analyse the tapestry of my own life - it stood in dire, stark contrast to the abuse and pain suffered by many of you. I was raised in a loving family. My parents are still together, and never fought openly (or even behind closed doors) in front of me while growing up. I was privately schooled, where I excelled and received many accolades and achieved greatly. I went on to study at tertiary and then postgraduate levels. I did not excel quite as much there, but I have a nice big bunch of letters after my name. How can I, with all the advantage of my background, have a disorder the same as those who have endured legitimate, heartbreaking, excruciating pain and suffering? It wasn't that I felt I didn't deserve BP2, but rather that I felt guilty that I was diagnosed as such; as though, in my mind - 'How dare I proclaim to have this disorder when I have no reason to - look at the people who do have a reason!' I felt like a phony. I don't know if what I am writing makes sense to anyone but me, but I hope you all understand what I am trying to say.

If I look back over my life, however, I realise that there were periods of trauma. I was never beaten, but I was cheated on spectacularly by my first partner who I deeply loved. I was never sexually abused, but I'll never forget walking in on my Mum in the bathroom when she took her wig off following chemotherapy, completely bald. I have never been racially vilified, but I was almost expelled from university, two years in a row, for an absolutely inexplicable ability to concentrate. I was never bullied at work, but...hang on, yes I was. And it hurt. A lot.

Trauma, I realise, has many different faces. And whilst that experienced by some is by all accounts, in an objective way, diabolical, for others the struggle is less pronounced, but, potentially, no less hurtful or damaging. The old observation that 'she'll be right' has become less and less prominent over time, because its truth has become more and more questionable. She. Will. NOT. Be. Right. Unless. Supported. Appropriately. From what I can see, this is becoming clearer as medicine learns more about mental illness. My psychiatrist told me that were I presenting the symptoms I am now 40 years ago, I would have been told to suck it up. But now, with greater understanding and recognition of the pervasiveness of Bipolar Mood Disorder, the size of the umbrella under which people would stand as diagnosed as having Bipolar has increased hugely. And so, I was not told to suck it up.

Instead, I was medicated - let's call it Medicine 1. Unfortunately, the side effects of Medicine 1 was too strong (dizziness, mainly), so I'll be trying another mood stabiliser (Medicine 2) next week. The mood stabilisation of Medicine 1, however, was incredible. I am quietly excited at the prospect of mood stabilisation without the dizziness - hopefully Medicine 2 will work out for me. The clarity of mind; the observation of historical periods of depression and, more so , mania; the desire to be with my family and my partner; were all pronounced and so very welcome while in a stabilised mood state. I would urge any of you who are considering medication, or battling with it, to persevere.

I'm rambling a bit now, so I'll wrap things up here. But again, hello everyone. I'll be sure to respond to comments and I'm looking forward to being an active contributor in this, a very important space.

Hope you all have a lovely weekend, and that you are happy.

- VitaBello