Nervous of therapy.

@Lemonjuice

You are so honest and it is so raw.

All I can do is wish for you that skirting the edge of these feelings will help YOU put yourself together.

@Appleblossom thanks for replying and caring.

I saw him tonight. I feel so bad, I know he is trying and he cares, but he is a 'he' and emotionally, I am finding that tough to get around. And then I keep getting other parts wanting to come out, but I can't let them out, how is he going to deal with a situation where the alter comes out and starts hurting me, in front of him. I'm not going to hospital! I'm scared he's going to give up on me. I don't know what to do anymore. I've run out of things to push him away, to distract him, to keep him away from the others, but it's put up or give up therapy time. Next session is it then. I just have to figure out how to do it safely.

Vulnerability and Intimacy are hard. @Lemonjuice

We are all different. Personally, I have more problem with females.

Dont understimate your own adult organising self. Alters and divisions within the self occur as a safety factor. Hoping you are coming through it all.

@Appleblossom I'm ok, just frustrated with myself. I went to the gym today which helped...I struggle to go, so it was good. And I've decided that it's time to let the others through. I'm ok, so it shouldn't be me going, it should be the parts that are angry or hurt, etc. I just wish I wasn't there, it's embarrassing. I'm friendly, easy to get on and don't easily get angry or upset, cry, or feel sexual. It's not easy to pull back and watch your mouth talking, body moving, saying and experiencing things. I've only ever blacked out a couple of times, the rest of the time, it feels like we're in a black room with a tv and watching the world through that tv. Nothing is real. The funny thing is, if I can let them out, I don't know what they will say. I might hear someone being aggressive to me inside and they might just be assertive when they come out. I don't know...they could be nice. All this fuss over nothing but imagination.

@Lemonjuice There is no need to dismiss your struggle.

I can relate a bit in that once I was totally amazed when out came a foster father. I was totally unconsious of it and unprepared as nothing like that had happened before. I was not aware of alters, but wished someone would write a book about me like Sybil. Out he came, through my mouth, during the tea break, when I was singing in a church choir. It was about 10 years ago. It floored me, and greatly embarrassed me, as it was a very rough spoken male, and the choir prided itself on being refined. Oh dear, that choir was never going to work, but I really tried. The good thing was that I recognised it and named it.

You don't know how much I appreciate your words. I feel really alone in this...not being the only one has a calming effect. Btw, I wrote to Sybil's doc years ago asking for advice. I got a reply too, but I only found out a year or two later. My mother had hidden the letter. Luckily she doesn't read much English and she had not opened it, but seeing that it was from the US, she was afraid that I might have some idea in my head that I was thinking of leaving her. I can't remember now what she had written but I destroyed it when I destroyed all my diaries, thinking I was going to suicide, some years ago.

Hi, I was reading your post, and I am all with you. It's great that you started going to the gym. I personally feel that when I engage myself in a task the days become a lot easier. You should continue going to the gym and if everything works out, everything will be back on track really soon.

Hi, I was reading your post, and I am all with you. It's great that you started going to the gym. I personally feel that when I engage myself in a task the days become a lot easier. You should continue going to the gym and if everything works out, everything will be back on track really soon.