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The "what if's" - Forgetting the past, HOW?

Drac0Senior Contributor27 Feb 2016, 3:13 pm AEDT

The "what if's" - Forgetting the past, HOW?

One thing I get constantly frustrated by is people, both professionals & others, saying things like 'you need to move on, forget about what happened & live for the future'. They make it sound so easy, as if you can go to bed then wake up & all the misery & trouble from your past will have magically disappeared.

Reading this thread by @Julybaby got me thinking about it yet again. She mentions the "what if's" about things she might have done differently. I have plenty of those to deal with, things I could have done differently myself, but probably my biggest is what OTHERS could have done that would have totally changed things for me.

Over 30 years ago I was in the military. One night I had a very serious argument with my girlfriend. The next day I realised that if I hadn't taken my frustration & anger out elsewhere I could have seriously done something terrible. This realisation rocked & scared me to the core - I went on to have what I now know was my first breakdown.

I was at work & suddenly I could do nothing but sit down & cry. I spent the next week in a military hospital & then sent back to my unit. That was it. No-one really spoke to me, trying to find out what was going on or to maybe explain what was happening with me. Just back to work and that's it.

That's the biggest one for me. And at any time it can pop into my head with the question what if something was done then? Instead it was over 15 years before I was diagnosed with major depression & another 11 before that was changed to Bipolar I among other things. Over 25 years of hell for me & those around me - depression, mania, violent mood swings, self-medicating with alcohol and much more. Just.....What.....If?

So how do others deal with this type of thing? This one, along with many other smaller ones, come into my head whenever they want, bringing me down & darkening my mood. You just can't forget your past totally. Anyone have any tips or ideas for moving yourself away from these memories. I can't stop or change them, but maybe I can redirect them.

Cheers.

7 replies

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In response to: The "what if's" - Forgetting the past, HOW?

BlueBaySenior Contributor27 Feb 2016, 4:37 pm AEDT

Re: The "what if's" - Forgetting the past, HOW?

Hi @Drac0

I can totally relate to what you are saying.

Over 40 years ago I was sexually abused as a child, the memories resurfaced only 6 years ago. Now I am suffering depression, PSTD, anxiety and BPD.

I too, get from friends 'just move on, forget the past, forget your mum' - if only it was that easy. you can't forget the hurt, the pain, the abuse, - but - maybe we can try to learn to live with it; learn to deal with our emotions and our pain. Believe me, I am still trying and it is a struggle.

I can't forget my past, what happened to me as a child; I can't forget what my mum said and did to me when I told her I had memories of being abused - she yelled at me and much much more.

And you're right - 'what if others were different towards us". I often say that 'what if my mum and dad were different to me when I told them of my memories' yet they abandoned me and are not talking to me.

'what if' i confronted the 3 different guys who abused me. So many 'what ifs'

I feel for you as I can see who struggled all those years ago and still are.

Have you heard of DBT (dialetical behaviour therapy) for BPD sufferers? I am only asking as I am currently doing this therapy and it is quite good. Although to change the mindset and behaviour is quite difficult when set for over many years.

Hopefully others on here will come on and give some adivce as well.\

Take care

In response to: Re: The "what if's" - Forgetting the past, HOW?

ChrisSenior Contributor27 Feb 2016, 6:27 pm AEDT

Re: The "what if's" - Forgetting the past, HOW?

I dont think anyone who has had trauma whether as a child and or as an adult ever forget what hapened to them. Ive talked alot about my past to various therapists over many years. But for me ive been void of emotion connected to it. Ive said on many occasions to therapists i dont consciously think about these things. They just keep comming up and hitting me in the face. Im scared to death of people. Im scared of being hurt by family so i keep my distance.My sister died a few weeks ago, and i got rid of anything she sent me. I just switch off. It seems easier than facing and feeling the pain.

However in the last two years i have been involved in various forms of group therapy. One dbt i found gave me practical help, new skills. I have recently finished a round of psycho dynamic therapy. Which is talking about the here and now. However the past comes up and is welcomed. It can be very intense but if you can be brave, the rewards are great. You will find yourself moving forward an example i have always felt uncomfortable with people. I felt like i wasnt a very nice person to know. I woulnt let anyone near me. I then revield something that had hapened to me as a child. It filled me with guild and shame. I couldnt look at anyone while i was talking. The group was supportive. They revealed that they didnt think any less of me or a bad person because of it. It tool me along time to accept that. I feel now that im ok. Im not a bad person..

It a very slow long journey. I feel that getting the right help for me has taken a long time, but slowly i am changing for the better. I still have a long way to go. It will never be perfect if i can get to a point of acceptance of what hapened. Yes the pain will still be there at times, but for me again its acceptance. Not easy i know, but it has to be better than how i have suffered over the last fifty odd years.

The what ifs - how long is a piece of string? Again for me its about acceptance, and i dont say that lighty. Wishing things had been different wont change what has hapened. And in a strange kind of way those experiences that i had in early childhood into adulthood have formed the person who i am today. The person that i am is i care about people. Im compassionate , i am caring , im thoughtful. Thats not so bad is it? I still have a very long way to go. I guess we never stop really.

So dont be too hard on youself. Seek out the treatment that you and your treating team feel is best for you.change therapists if that what you think you need. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Sorry this has been so long. Take care and never give up.

In response to: The "what if's" - Forgetting the past, HOW?

Unknown userMember09 Mar 2016, 11:38 pm AEDT

Re: The "what if's" - Forgetting the past, HOW?

Try self compassion. Russ Harris books helped me. Forgive yourself. Be your own best friend.

In response to: The "what if's" - Forgetting the past, HOW?

GothMumSenior Contributor10 Mar 2016, 12:30 am AEDT

Re: The "what if's" - Forgetting the past, HOW?

Oh my Gaia! This is something I muse on all the time, @Drac0 (& @Former-Member, @Chris, @BlueBay)

what if...

What if.....

what if....

or Why did /nt I do.......

i would love to be able to just move on. And yet when I try to, health professionals then ask me to recount those mistakes, those feelings, those things that happened.... I still yearn for my first romantic love, and still kick myself for being stupid, young, immature.... And that was over 30 years ago. The best year of my life, and the one time I actually felt happy was 1984. How sad is that.....

Thanks for for a good topic @Drac0 😀

In response to: Re: The "what if's" - Forgetting the past, HOW?

Drac0Senior Contributor10 Mar 2016, 12:56 am AEDT

Re: The "what if's" - Forgetting the past, HOW?

@GothMum, I don't think the "what if's" will be something any of us will really lose, just change how we deal with them. I know I'll never stop thinking how different things might have been if proper treatment had started 25 years earlier. And you're right, the professionals seem to enjoy getting us to recount them.

I'm glad you have at least one good year to recall, I seriously can't think of one for me......

Take care.

In response to: Re: The "what if's" - Forgetting the past, HOW?

MoonGalSenior Contributor10 Mar 2016, 6:23 pm AEDT

Re: The "what if's" - Forgetting the past, HOW?

"What if" didn't happen so I just drop it.
'What if' ceased to be for me when I started concentrating on (with purpose to replace the what if AND its brother "Should of" - to 'This is'. T
his is how it is.

I learned this (obliquely) from a scene in the play by John Steinbeck - The Grapes of Wrath.

In response to: Re: The "what if's" - Forgetting the past, HOW?

AppleblossomSenior Contributor10 Mar 2016, 9:49 pm AEDT

Re: The "what if's" - Forgetting the past, HOW?

I wasnt into "what ifs" that much ... but a lot of other people were into "should ofs"

I did think it was an interesting point that you made @Drac0 if others had done things better by you ...

Yes I do think it helps if we take charge of our memories a little. I deliberately chose a few periods of my life that had good things in them and focussed on them to bring about my sense of values and survive during my early motherhood period. To focus too much on MI was not productive.

There are a lot of assumptions floating around about being responsible for how life turns out. I think it is different to be responsive and take responsibility for oneself .. but we cannot control others ... and that is a huge part of it.

I hear some people take excess pride in their friendships .. but then I realise they didnt work that hard at it .. they were in the right place at the right time .. still

Mentally .. it helps to be kind to ourselves and the others who peopled our lives ... I try ... but every now and then I spit the dummy ... like I just did ... got told off by president in a choir ... and left it ... it is sad ... but this president (person in power) was teaming up with someone who had been bullying me since I joined it. At least I have a decision made. I still have plenty of other places to sing ... but having to pretend that the person "loves" me was too much ... and not being allowed to say I need to sing next to some one who is quieter (cos of neck) doesnt make me a mean person ... who "makes comments about people".

Sorry thats a digression ... the bully won ... but I am carrying myself with more dignity when I am out and about ... not submitting all the time.

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