Can't sleep...

...need to though, so if you don't hear back, it's a good thing. Just writing so it might help me sleep.

Every Monday night, I end up sleeping at 1, 2, 3am, cause I have therapy the next day. It freaks me out and tomorrow is going to be a difficult one, have to bring in photos from my youth. I start thinking of the mistakes I made, if only I had not been so naive, fought more for myself, etc, I would have been married, with kids of my own, my own house, etc. Instead of the lonely, old, fat loser that I have become. I'm meant to meet friends in a couple of weeks for my birthday. Fb friends which I have known for some six years but never met. The guy is in a relationship but I have had feelings for him since the beginning...nothing is going to happen and I'm fine about that, but gosh, it would have been nice to meet him before I piled on the weight. Which btw, because I piled on the weight, I don't have clothes. My anxiety is playing up, self-loathing is getting worse which makes me want to self-harm and then bingo, yep, the 'fn suicide already' chorus chimes in. Oh, and if that's not enough, I get to go to uni on the day they are doing suicide awareness day. Yippee!...get to be asked several times 'RUOK' by smiling excited young people. No, I am not ok, never was and never will be. I don't want to live, I am being forced to live. But I won't say that, I will smile back and say I am fine and wish them well. On the up side, I have the best cheek muscles I know from all that smiling.

Think I will burn my diaries tomorrow. I have this stupid fear that I will die and my family will discover my diaries. I don't want to burn them but I can't take the risk.

Ok, sorry, probably wasted your time with this nonsense. Going to try to sleep again...