Dealing with a disorder I don't understand

Thank you @outlander.

If you don't mind me asking, do you have any advice for managing after a suicidal episode or attempt?

I'm trying to not feel guilty, because it's out of my control, but then I almost feel a sense of guilt about not feeling guilty.. I don't know if that is relatable or even makes any sense.

@RMH93 - I have only been diagnosed with TBI and have not been to a mental health professional yet. That said, my mother has BPD and I am experiencing the same symptoms that you describe. My depression has been so bad that I lay flat on the floor and cry like a baby for very long periods of time (for no reason in reality). I know the guilt and fear you feel when it comes to the suicidal thoughts. I have not attempted suicide but have thought of it and thought about ways to do so a lot when experiencing the depression. It seems to me that the more I fear the what ifs, and have guilt over what ifs, the more powerful the symptoms become and the more out of control i feel too. Lately I have been trying to live one moment at a time and I have been trying not to fear and think about the what ifs. I feel that this has reduced the power and the amount of episodes that I have. Lastly and most importantly. The bible says in 2 Timothy 1:7 " For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind."

Fear comes from the devil and he uses it to try and get us to make bad decision that would keep us from knowing the saving grace of Jesus Christ. I would love to talk to you more about Jesus. Iether way, I hope this helps and God bless you.

@outlander that's a very good point. I'm trying to learn how to leave things in the past and move forward.

I think something I also need to work on that you mention is easing back into everyday routines. I tend to go all or nothing and neither are ideal.

I do have a psychiatrist, but I don't think I see her as much as I need to, so thats something that I'm going to try to organise this week. Sometimes I feel like I need a personal assistant just to manage my life for me. It can feel very overwhelming.

@BandS338 It's a very hard place to be in and I appreciate you sharing your experience with me.

I'm glad that you have your faith and can find comfort and strength in God and Jesus, however it's not something that I personally believe in. I appreciate your offer though and I wish you luck in your recovery.

I will definitely try to take your advice to try and be more in the moment and put less focus into the anxiety and worry of the 'what ifs'.

Are you in the process of finding a mental health professional?

Hello @RMH93 and welcome to the forums. I was tagged here a few days ago but wanted to give you a considered response, not just answer off the top of my head. I have bipolar 1 and complex PTSD, with long term anxiety and major depressive episodes for long periods (months at a time) with gradually less frequent hypomania, mania and even psychosis a few times in my past. So a different diagnosis from you but with some similarities at times. Most of my family thought I had BPD for many years, I wasn't diagnosed with bipolar until I was 46 despite several periods in hospital.

I had a serious attempt on my life 20 years ago and was in a coma for 10 days (I only found out recently that it was for that long). Initially when I regained consciousness I was really angry that I couldn't even get that right (in the midst of hallucinations) but over time that changed to shame and guilt, especially for the effect it had on my child particularly but other close people too. So over the years even tho I've thought of ways at my lowest times, I have been able to put those people as an absolute priority for staying alive. I tell myself to take 1 hour or even 10 minutes at a time and spent years reading or watching tv, just getting through each day.

Part of coming to terms with a new diagnosis is educating yourself and hopefully identifying one or two people in your life that you can rely on, and educating them too. These days there's heaps of info available online. The next part, for me, was learning to monitor my moods and sleep which I do by keeping charts which I show my psychiatrist. I chart my meds I take each day too. I think it's really important to have a team of therapists - GP, psychologist and psychiatrist - that communicate with each other regularly. And for me I need to be completely compliant with medication. Then comes identifying potential triggers and learning to spot them early and remain aware of them when they happen. Very hard to do in the middle of a panic attack or dissociation, but those things don't last as long as they used to nowadays. The most important thing I work to maintain is 'insight' into where I'm at and adjusting my behaviour accordingly. e.g. sleep hygeine (it's a thing you can google), avoiding certain triggering people, delaying any urge to spend for at least a couple of days, making sure any travel I do is supported by close people, and keeping my close people informed when I sense things are changing - either to elevation or depression and seeing my pdocs as soon as possible.

Regarding meds - it can take a long time to get the right balance and dose, and sometimes weeks to stabilize on a new regime. And then what we need can change at times. I think it's important to have really open communication with pdocs so they know what your life is truly like and can treat you the most effectively.

Hope some of what I've said is useful to you. Feel free to tag me if you want to talk. Mostly I'm on the "A Long Rave" thread, but if I get tagged elsewhere I'll get notified and respond.

Sometimes just having connections on these forums has been the only thing that kept me going - hopefully they'll be really helpful for you too. Best wishes, Eth

Thanks for tagging me @outlander

@RMH93 another thing that has helped me immensely has been doing a Wellness Recovery Action Plan - WRAP. You can google it or ask me about it.