dhanibCasual Contributor
I dont know why i exist
Im not young anymore. I'll be 35 soon. I have no idea why I am here. I went to highschool and did really well. I got into a major university for an advanced degree. from there i went from being one of the best to one of the worst.
I had no friends, I had no social life, I didnt go out drinking. i didnt drink. There wasnt any internet then where I lived. I saw myself going from being strong to being incompetant.
I was fortunate to have lived near this university. I never left home, I was never in a res. I had to take a few extra years to finish my degree but it felt like a joke. I felt like a joke. I didnt get a job. No one would hire me.
Eventually a year later i found work out of town. I had to leave home.
For 10 years i have been in the same place. I dont have any friends, My family are always angry and upset and have their own problems. Women dont like me or pay attention to me. I am always alone. people at work think I am normal.
2 years after I left home i tried to be social but everything blew up in my face. I was the person that no one really cared whether they joined in or not. I was a satellite.
I always felt I would be validated by people if I wasnt alone. If was had a significant other or was married then i would be acepted. i would be like everyone else. A failed attept to connect with someone that i had genuine feelings for went south i spiralled into a very sever depression. I was diagnosed as such and went onto medication for it. I went to cognative therapy. but i found it very easy to lie to my therapist and to get positive feedback. to lie to myself and my therapist. i just needed to be ok so i wouldnt be fired.
After a few years of therapy and medication I felt like i was improving and decided to try to connect with people again. i took my own initiatives to join social activities and clubs.
They all started out great. but eventually i was seen as the needy person full of self pity, no one wanted to be around me. i was "asked nicely" to leave one of them.
as time passed an I was trying to fit in, everyone else was trying to get promoted at work. they already fit in. they were married. they were not looking for something i was. they could now focus on their careers. I somehow forgot that that was important too.
now im in a place that hates me. I dont deserve that salary that i earn. everyone like to point it out. everyone at work likes to make me look incompetant. my specialty is so niche that i struggle to find work anywhere and when i do see openings im often not broadened enough. im trying to improve myself but theres so much, as soon as i figure out a direction it seems that its not relevant anymore and everyone else has moved onto something else.
i am not passionate about what i do.
at work im surrounded by people that dont want me there.
i go home to an empty appartment. im in close proximity to otherpeople but it like i dont exist. im a minority racegroup here. no one even says hello to me when i try to greet them. people often treat me like i dont exist. they use my parking spot. the obstruct my entrance. they always say that they didnt know anyone live there. but they see me almost everyday.
i see my immediate family maybe 4 time a year at most. but theyre always involved in their own issues. Its never the right time to bring up how im feeling. my sibling has more severe problems than me and the focus is often their well being.
I dont have much of an extended family, i have one cousin that also doesn't really associate with me much. we dont live near each other and i didnt have a whole lot in common with him to beable to hang out with him. he is married now as well and they often dont have any time for me.
i feel like i earn a salary and go home to spend it on stupid things that will discract me from being sorry for myself about failing at everything. i dont think my existance is required. I know there are many things i have acess to that i should be greatful for but that makes me feel worse. I dont feel like i deserve any of these things. no one would miss me if i was gone so why bother sticking around? my parents would probably be sad about it. i often think that as soon as they pass on i would probably end my own existance.
i will be 40 soon.... i dont know what i would have achieved that a 20-somehting hasnt and then some.
in the few times my family does see me i feel even worse inside. they think im some hero at work and im very smart and special. but as parents i suppose it would be the parent thing to do. I know its not true. I failed at most things that were expected of me. I know they are hurt about it too. thats usually the cause of most tention in the family anyway.
I keep feeling that if i died things would be easier.
I am not suicidal. i dont want to end myself. Im too afraid of pain to do anything. but if i died somehow suddenly i wouldnt be sad. i would be more relieved. like a student who was studying for a test that suddenly got cancelled.
