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Not sure how to start, my first post about losing intimacy

original_fakeCasual Contributor29 July 2018, 2:41 pm AEST

Not sure how to start, my first post about losing intimacy

Ive been suffering alone and have been really down the past few months which led me here. I dont feel comfortable talking to anyone about this yet and thought this might be the appropriate place to start. My wife and I have been together since our early twenties and are 40 now, she has suffered from chronic pain and a degenerative tissue dissaorder which made child birth not an option for us but we have recently come to terms with that. My wife has actually been not too bad until about 6years ago when i could see she was starting to strugggle with daily life. She still works part time and manages a good life and if you didnt know you probably wouldnt know as she puts on a brave face for everyone until she gets home. I love her to bits and have no issue with her condition and support her in every way i can, we are working thorugh physisions at the moment on a long term plan to help her as she gets older. The thing im really struggling with is intimacy, im a really affectionate person and have always been but as time has gone on just giving her a hug in bed can cause her a lot of pain and while she really tries to hide anything miuch more than that as many times as we try leaves her in a very bad state is all i can say meaning we stop not long after starting. I have been finding it hard recently im not sure why and hoped that others here might have suffered the same. Thanks for listening ive got a nevous stitch just writing this and hope it comes accross in the right way.

7 replies

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In response to: Not sure how to start, my first post about losing intimacy

JupiterSenior Contributor30 July 2018, 10:51 am AEST

Re: Not sure how to start, my first post about losing intimacy

Good morning @original_fake and welcome to the forums!

Intimacy sounds like such an important aspect of a relationship for you. It must be so hard not to be able to share this with your wife as much as you would like. I know you said you were nervous writing this, but I hope you feel some weight has lifted by sharing your experience with others. Take care!

In response to: Re: Not sure how to start, my first post about losing intimacy

MazaritaSenior Contributor30 July 2018, 1:58 pm AEST

Re: Not sure how to start, my first post about losing intimacy

Hi @original_fake, I have been in a relationship with my companion for over 15 years, in my mid 50s. In our relationship, I am the one with the mental and physical health problems.

For some time in our relationship, we had an active sexual relationship. However for many years now we have both been celibate and now think of our relationship as a deep friendship/companionship rather than a conventional partnership.

The end of our sexual life arose partly because of my illnesses. It became too painful for both of us. However, I can say that the years since we stopped being intimate in that way have given rise to much deeper feelings of friendship and affection, and actually a much happier relationship all round.

I know that I do at times miss the intimacy of sexual relations and I'm sure my companion does too. But it has not spelt the end of of things between us. It has become easier over time to deal with this absence in our lives.

I guess I'm relating this to you just so that I might convey my experience that it is possible to continue relationships without the sexual component. I'm sure there are many many people who have the same experience, for whatever reason.

I also wanted to give you a response so that you know you are being heard here.

Wishing you and your partner the very best with the changes and challenges of your relationship.

In response to: Not sure how to start, my first post about losing intimacy

DeterminedSenior Contributor30 July 2018, 2:18 pm AEST

Re: Not sure how to start, my first post about losing intimacy

Hi @original_fake and welcome

I am currently in a similar situation to you for different reasons. I'm lot quite sure how to respond but wanted to let you know you have been heard and I will get back to you later on when the day settles down. I want my response to be thoughtful as I am also struggling with this (the lack of intimacy) at the moment.

In response to: Re: Not sure how to start, my first post about losing intimacy

original_fakeCasual Contributor30 July 2018, 4:00 pm AEST

Re: Not sure how to start, my first post about losing intimacy

looking forward to hearing from you, thanks so much for reaching out. Honesty is the best thing and ill always be open to hearing what you have to say.

In response to: Re: Not sure how to start, my first post about losing intimacy

DeterminedSenior Contributor30 July 2018, 6:50 pm AEST

Re: Not sure how to start, my first post about losing intimacy

Hi @original_fake

Here is a link to a discussion last week that may be helpful to you.

I'm not sure I can offer any advice as this is something I am really struggling at the moment. My wife who lives with BPD and I are similar ages to you married for almost 19 years also. Intimacy has always been a struggle for my wife but we have managed somehow and we do have 3 beautiful boys aged 3 - 13. Since having ECT last year though any emotional connection has been lost completely. Holding hands is often met with an angry response . Our barrier is an emotional one for my darling rather than a physical one.

How do I cope with this? I just manage the best I can. Some times are easier than others. At the end of the day I still love my wife. For me seeking fulfillment outside of our marriage is not an option so I just bumble along the best we can. We are also currently seeing a Christian marriage councillor who is working with me on how to manage feelings of rejection.

Like you mentioned you have I have an emotional personality type and crave physical touch a lot so total lack of any contact is hard for me.

I really dont want my reply to discourage you at all. I know just how hard it is to open up about this topic. I would like to somehow be an encouragement to you in knowing you are not alone. Having you open up here has definitely been an encouragement to me especially at the moment.

Happy to answer any questions you may have and if I come up with any gems as I work through this at the moment I will gladly pass them on.

In response to: Re: Not sure how to start, my first post about losing intimacy

DeterminedSenior Contributor30 July 2018, 7:15 pm AEST

Re: Not sure how to start, my first post about losing intimacy

Try again with the link

https://www.saneforums.org/t5/Special-Events/Topic-Tuesday-Sexuality-and-intimacy-Tues-24-July-7pm-AEDT/m-p/527519#M3608

In response to: Not sure how to start, my first post about losing intimacy

MountaineerNew Contributor01 Aug 2018, 7:11 am AEST

Re: Not sure how to start, my first post about losing intimacy

Hi original_fake,

How brave of you to share your struggle.

I am newly experiencing the same struggle with a loss of intimacy with my partner, but for other reasons.

I still don’t know how to handle it myself, so all I can offer you right now is the reassurance that you are not alone.

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