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A warm blanket that i do not have the courage or strength to drop, but i want to

Lt72884Senior Contributor24 July 2018, 3:12 am AEST

A warm blanket that i do not have the courage or strength to drop, but i want to

To All:

Its been about 5 months since i last posted, and a rough 5 months it has been. One of my last posts was about me suspecting that my wife has BPD or some form of personallity disorder.

On feb 11th 2018, my wife attempted suicide. This was her 4th attempt since i have married her. However, this attempt was vastly different than the others. Usually, in the past, she would only go part way with the attempt, however this time, she went further. I had to immeditally get others involved.

From this point, she was admitted to therapy, which lasted all of 5 sessions before she decided it was not good enough for her. During therapy, they had her visit a MD and mental health specialist for treatment and diagnoses. She refussed medication and finally stopped seeing the MD as well. The MD and other professionals have diagnosed her with BPD and paranoia.

I am still in therapy but she does not know. The reason for the securecy, she believes that i have manipulated every doctor, therapist, family member and friend against her. She wont even get a job because she believes that if she goes to work, that it will turn me into a slave master and she will become my slave and that i will stay at home all day and isolate myself and make her do all the work. Interesting thing is, that description she has for me, is exactly what she does each and every day. SHe never goes out, stays inside to watch her online school assignment and then after that, nothing until i get home. Once i am home, she may or may not want to go anywhere. But she can not and will not go to the store to grocery shop by herself UNLESS she is in a rage or mad at me.

It has been hell this last 5 month period. So many raging fights from her and threats of divorce from her as well. She has theese blowups at least 2 times a week. This last week, it lasted 3 days streight and on monday, after her telling me that i have demons and evil in me, i actually had to check myself into the mental health clinic for a couple of hours.

About mid april, i made my decission that i had done everything i humanly could for myself and the situation. She is not going to take treatment plans or medication. So i feel that the best thing to do for myself and her.... is to leave. Easier said than done HOLY CRAP!!!!

I have given alot of my stuff to charity that i do not use anymore. All i have at the house is the basics, as to not give off any suspestion. I have my tv, sound system, kitchen aid, computer, clothes and basic bathroom stuff. That is it. The rest has been moved or donated.

What makes this so damn difficult, the mere fact that i love her and have compassion for her and she has good days, even though they are far and few between and some of them are what i call "back peddling" I have forgiven her and always will, but trusting her is not the same as forgivness. I DO NOT TRUST her at all. I do know though that she is unhappy in this relationship and every time i have opened up to make that emotional connection in any way shape or form, it has ended horribly with in minutes and turned into an 8 hour rage fest or some sort of meltdown. I do feel that if i leave, it will help her becasue then she will not have to be in a serious relationship which is the issue. i KNOW I AM HER TRIGGER AND WILL ALWAYS BE THAT FOR HER NO MATTER WHAT!!!

As for the warm blanket, that is my denial. I feel so much shame, guilt, and so so so much saddness tha i have to leave. I constantly think "How is she going to take care of herself when she cant even do that now?" or "i feel so sad for her that her own husband had to leave her in order for her to feel better" and "I love her to death and i want her to be happy and at peace" Those feelings and thoughts hurt me and make me sad. Even with this saddness, i still follow through with my list and goals from my therapist, such as, continue to move stuff out of the appartment, continue to move forward with the decision, read good books and watch wholesome movies and shows. continue charity work.

to be honost.... im scared and fearful. im scared to leave but scared to stay. She woke me up the other night hitting me saying "i know your dreaming of another woman and having sex with her" or other random things she will hit me in my sleep for. Its not a hard hit but enough to wake me up after two or threee of them.

I have been evaluated by a psychatrist(spelling) and after 6 hours of tests and multiple sessions, i do not have NPD or BPD or bipolar that my wife keeps telling people and me i have. I have what they call situational major depression, PTSD, and anxiety coupled with something called devaluization, which is where a person has told you many many many times that you are a lousy person, an F'ing A hole, an entitled JackA**, a terrible provider and husband, and lastly, i dont want to have childeren with you becasue your DNA is horrible and i dont want anything to do with your mother or fathers DNA.

I am so sorry to vent, but i have no one to vent to becasue we moved 2 hours away from my friends and family becasue she made me believe it was my fault and my families fault. I have worked things out with my family and we are on speaking terms and love eachother.

I am looking for help and advice. I am also wishing that someone would tell me what to do haha. I have hit that stage where i am confused, cant remember certain things anymore, dont have anger toward my situation anymore(i used anger to help motivate me to get out. not anger at her but at the situation i am in. at least it was an emotional response unlike now.) i feel scared, icky, worthless, hopeless and paralysed like this is a dream i cant wake up from and i will never be out of it. i feel like i am yes no yes no. Oh and i lost my job to , so that postpones things becasue i need money if i am leaving...

and im scared of what her mom and sister will think. Her mom has major BPD as well. She used to throw things at my wife all the time, up until last year when the husband left. The mom has MAJOR rage issues and im scared of leaving becasue of her and the mere fact that i was my wifes solid ground and "she needs" me Her mom has caused ALOT of hell for my wife. some UGLY HELL and that makes me sad. My wife once told me that "I judge myself everyday matt, to the point where i feel like crap and not good enough for you or even god" man did i burst out in tears and i cried for hours over that. It was HEART BREAKING to hear that and THAT is what keeps me stuck.. But leaving her will force her to take care of herself and thats what she needs.

thank you for reading and once agaain, sorry for the venting.

EDIT:

Sorry for not following guidlines on the post. i wrote this the day i checked myself into the mental health clinic so my mind was a little to open haha. i have now edited it to meet guidlines.

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In response to: A warm blanket that i do not have the courage or strength to drop, but i want to

MazaritaSenior Contributor03 Nov 2018, 10:22 am AEDT

Re: A warm blanket that i do not have the courage or strength to drop, but i want to

Hi @Lt72884, it's been some months since you posted. This website has changed recently and made it easier for us to see who has posted without receiving a reply. So I just found this post from you back then.

I'm wondering where you are with all this now. It sounds like you have been living a nightmare. Are you still with your wife, or have you found a way to leave? Either way, I am hoping that you might be in a better place than where you were.

I can relate to your story because decades ago I behaved in a way that was similar in some ways to your wife, towards my husband at that time. We have been divorced for about 20 years now, but are still in occasional contact, for which I am grateful to him. He lives in a different country now, with a new partner. I am glad for their happy relationship and life together, as my husband was always very good to me and deserves much better than I was able to give him at that time.

During those younger years when I was putting my husband through such awful experiences, I too was going through hell, as I know you are aware your wife has been to. I had been diagnosed clinical anxiety and depression, which in retrospect was a very inadequate interpretation of how things were for me, and I received treatment at that time that was far less than needed. I was also suicidal at that time, but have not been since.

After some years of this terrible situation, my husband too decided he could no longer go on with our marriage. I now understand how necessary that was for him, and how it was ultimately the best thing for me. Our marriage had been damaged beyond repair and I was using him as my whipping boy, without ever meaning to. I was in denial about my behaviour. In fact, on my better days, I seemed not even to remember it. Hard as it might be to understand, even to me, I did love him very much.

When I was eventually re-diagnosed with Bipolar 1, things started to make a lot more sense, and I started receiving much better treatment, with medications that were a great deal more helpful. I have also been since helped by a support worker program and a wonderful psychologist, as well as the mainstay of my treatment over all these years, psychiatric care.

I have found a new relationship that I have been part of for 15 years, more like a companionship and equal friendship than the relationship I had back then in my marriage. In a way that may be similar to what you have been thinking about your wife, it helps me to be somewhat more independent in my self-concept, and to share equally in all expenses and the like. The more financially and emotionally dependent I became on my husband all those years ago, the worse things seemed to get. By contrast, the more recent relationship I have been in for so many years now, is harmonious, loving and mutually supportive.

I am telling you all this because I'm hoping it might help you to know that, even if you leave your wife, or have already done so, it does not mean that she may not eventually find a better situation and state of mind and life in years to come.

Although I still struggle daily with mental illness limiting my capacities for 'normal' living, things have improved vastly over the decades for me, and the lives of close loved ones around me, as I take more responsibility for my own state of being, process things better, and am no longer verbally and emotionally abusive in the way I was back then.

There is hope out of a hellish relationship, for both partners. Wishing you healing from the traumas of your wife's treatment of you and the very best for your future.

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