My Voice Above Others

When something's not right I hear things in my head that aren't true. It seems so real, a puzzle I absolutely have to solve. In my case, I always end up suffering when I listen to them.

My boyfriend takes the brunt of it, thank the stars he deals with it well. But it's not up to me to depend on his ability to deal with my issues. I have to do something for myself, and all the years I've thought that I was ready to change, I think I finally am.

By journaling I've built up a sensitivity to how I feel. I began by putting a journal on the coffee table and jotting down a few words about my current state anytime I saw it. When I would notice that it had become a part of the furniture I moved it somewhere very obvious, and then when that no longer worked I let part of it hang off a table so that when I walked by it would fall off. I'm willing to do anything it takes.

I've done it for years. Now, when I start hearing things that aren't true and I can separate myself from them cause I notice that it makes me feel bad. I get the chance to remember to look at a journal where, during good times, I've written what's real for times when I would need something to trust.

Sometimes, fighting it feels unsafe, like something bad will happen if I don't believe. When I can push through it there's a euphoria equal to the suffering, so that's worth it! One day of success makes up for lots of failures.

My technique is to focus on my breathing and look at the world around me. I notice every sound, every sensation. I look at the trees or the walls, whatever. I increase my breathing and breathe away everything that's not just either what I'm looking at or sensing. And I do it throughout the day as often as I remember. After awhile of doing it I'm able to do it a lot more; recognise that it is happening and whatnot.

It's not for everyone but for me it's essential and has changed everything.