My son is 25 and I fear I will lose him

Hi @Jane4,

So sorry to hear you are living with this pain and suffering regarding your beautiful son. I have a daughter with suicidal ideation among other things and it is absolutely devastating to us mums. I have only brief time right this minute to type, but I would like to pass on to you that getting help for me was the key that starting changing things for us. Living with daily crisis without support and clear, evidence based strategies for your own and those you care about's well being is extremely difficult, depleting, isolating and frightening. If you find some time, I would contact your local community information centre, police station, carer support network, even have a google of 'support services' for families in your area. With good family support, you, your son and your family will find things start improving.

Thank you MummyMountain for replying, it's really very much appreciated.

He has had another day in bed, not talking to anyone. I wondered if anyone has made the call to get the mental health team to come to the house and make an assessment. Was it a good experience or frightening for the patient.?

Hi @Jane4 I just saw your post then and thought it might be good to direct you to the discussion called 'What is a mental health crisis' There is some information in there about calling the mental health team.

I thought I'd also flag the Topic Thursday tomorrow night starting at 7pm AEDT. The topic is on Open Dialogue:

'Open Dialogue’ addresses the exclusion that can occur when carers are left out of important conversations about their loved one’s mental distress. It emphasizes bringing people together, to have a dialogue, between the person experiencing the crisis and their social network so that they can manage the crisis together with the support of mental health professionals. It offers an alternative perspective to mental distress trusting that solutions are created as a consequence of having Dialogue and support.'

You can read more about the session here. As I said, it starts at 7pm AEDT tomorrow night, but if you can't make it or have questions that pop to mind now, you can leave them here and we will answer them tomorrow night too.

Hope you find all of that helpful in some way.

Thank you NikNik. I have read the discussion and it was helpful. The mental health team said they would call me tomorrow to see if there has been any change. He was totally uncommunicative tonight...he hasn't showered for 3 days. It so sad as he volunteers for the St John's Ambulance because he wants to help people, but won't accept any help from us. It's 4am now and i haven't been able to sleep. I will try and join the Open Dialogue tomorrow, although I am supposed to be having dinner with my husbands cousin who is over from England...it seems so trivial having attend stuff like this and trying to put on a 'normal' face when all this is going on behind the scenes.

Hi @Jane4,

I thought I'd share the link with to Topic Thursday about Open Dialogue as well as share a very brief summary of the conversation:

Similar to what @MummyMountain has mentioned, getting a strong social network system can be really helpful. This means clinical support and social support so that you and your son are not dealing with this on your own. Do you have friends and family that you can speak with? They might not get 'it', but you might be able to get support that not directly related to your son, it might just mean being with others so that you're not at home on your own.

How did things go with contacting support services in your area? It might be helpful to look into agencies that specifically provide support to people care for people with mental illness. Sometimes they can provide you with strategies to care for your son, which can reshape how you approach things, which help your son to get help.

@MummyMountain may I ask what types of changes have you made that you've found helpful, and how did they help your daughter?

cb

@CherryBomb Thank you for your message. The mental health service have been very responsive and I have 3 long conversations with them which helped me. However, until my son is prepared to accept their help, they say there is not much they can do...which I understand. I have a couple of very good friends who are supportive and are always available to talk to, so I am lucky.

Sorry I missed the Open Discussion, will try next week. I am doing a Mental Health First Aid course on Sunday, so I will share any insights I get from that.

Suicidal ideation is scary for the person and their family. My son clung to his black dog mood for about 7 years but is moving beyond it. He blocked and rejected every suggestion any teacher, counsellor or I made for all that time ... and spent many days in his room with minimal activity and conversation ... but he is finally interested in engaging with the world. Take MI seriously but dont let it cloud your whole mental image of your son. You know his good points and his strengths and weaknesses. He is that old. Its great that you are doing a course. Dont believe his depression is the end for him ... it can be a long difficult transition into adulthood.

Hi @CherryBomb

My social worker sat in my home with me as we evaluated the different areas of my life (for example 'keeping my family safe' 'health' 'routine and structure' 'finances' etc.) ane we identified those that needed attention and those areas that we could leave for now. We then set goals in the three most badly affected areas and she assisted (and empowered) me to take the baby steps toward achieving those goals.

The priority for us when we started was ending the chaos and unrelenting crisis we were living in with my daughter using self harm, threats, aggression and absconding as coping behaviours. We set up a crisis plan which has thankfully now not been accessed for a few weeks. We also have a safety plan which is steps we all take if we are starting to feel unsafe in our thoughts, feelings, behaviour.

We enlisted extended family respite for me, which I had to have support to do because I am estranged from them for very good reasons. I needed an advocate to come along with me and set up some respite. I've also needed to access a family therapist in order to deal with the painful emotions that have arisen for me with recontact with family of origin. We are also working towards the children spending time with their father but those relationships are also fractured and emotionally destabilising so its a process, not an event.

I've learnt some dbt skills from my own research and need to self-care. This has decreased arguments and increased the strength of my bonds with my children. In turn, this raises the feelings of nurture, safety and security at home.

Im accessing two support groups this month. One for me to take time just to be me!! Its for female survivors of family violence and its about a healing, gentle space of self care and prioritising self. the other is a support group and skills building group for carers of loved ones with borderline. This is going to support me to have safe social and adult contact which has been a huge loss and grief area in my life for years.

I did want to mention that when I was escaping an abusive relationship a few years back, my family viiolence worker had the opinion that its so hard to stabilise our lives when we are struggling to fulfill our basic human needs such as food and shelter. I hear in some of the stories on here that people are at that stage and my heart goes out to them because I know that if I had not been supported by a case worker to escape that relationship and been provided with transitional housing for myself and my children, I may not have my children, my home and even my ability to function today. Its been the community services that allocate me a worker to see me through to a safe place where i can rebuild that has allowed me to have a quality of life today on which I can build.