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My story

Bright_Eyes13Casual Contributor27 June 2018, 11:06 pm AEST

My story

Hi everyone,

I'm new to these forums and I'm hopefully about to start my recovery journey so I thought I would share some of my story.

I've always known something wasn't right and in my late teens it all got too much. I just wanted to die and thought everyone in my life had a reason to hate me. I felt down and out with no hope for the future. I planned to take my life then and multiple times in the years that followed but never actually attempted it. I turned to self harm to help me cope with life and how I was feeling. I never felt like there was anyone I could talk to about how I was feeling so I bottled it all up and kept it to myself.

In my early to mid 20's my Mums friend knew something was up and her and my parents got me, well dragged me to a psychologist. I didn't want to go and I wasn't completely honest when he was asking me all these assessment questions. I was diagnosed with anxiety and my gp put me on antidepressants but when he asked me if they were helping and they weren't he just kept renewing my prescription until my psychologist told me I could taper off them. I did and was glad to be off them but hung onto the remaining pills as a back up plan in case things got too much.

I didn't want help then and carried on for years as I was with more planned suicides, more self harm, times where I spiraled and my first and so far only panic attack.

Last year things started to unravel and I was starting to spiral when my beloved Nan passed away. I was devastated and grief took over but surprisingly I didn't turn to my usual coping skills. This year I kinda lost it, I get angry so easily and so much more emotional than ever before. Plus a grief trigger set me off and I relapsed into self harm and added a new type of self harm after almost a year of not self harming. A friend noticed the change in me, that something wasn't right and when she expressed concern and asked me if I was ok, I just started telling her everything. Anyway she's been supporting me and encouraging me to get help and I can finally say I want help now. It's nice to have someone to talk to when things get a bit too much for me too although I'm so used to not having anyone to talk to so it's taking a bit to remember to talk to my friend when things get tough.

Anyway with my friend's support and help I have an appointment with a psychologist next week. I'm glad I'm getting some help but I have low expectations due to usually when things start to get better or I find something that helps it never seems to work out in the long term and I end up back at square one.

I'm prepared to be honest with the psychologist this time around so maybe I'll get the help I need but I'm terrified too and know as the appointment gets closer, the anxiety will get more intense. If I didn't have the support of my friend I would have backed out.

5 replies

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In response to: My story

utopiaSenior Contributor29 June 2018, 1:32 am AEST

Re: My story

Well done on reaching out to a friend and making an appointment with a psychologist @Bright_Eyes13.

It's understandable to be nervous. Discussing our lives, some private and trusting someone with that, can be hard to start with. But it gets easier over time.

You may find that your psychologist also recommends seeing a psychiatrist. Try not to let this scare you. Psychiatrists diagnose disorders and prescribe medication. Psychologists offer talk therapy and teach techniques that you can use to help you through life, especially when dealing with stressful situations, like the death of a loved one.

I see my psychiatrist approx every 6-weeks. But my psychologist, every 2 to 3 weeks.

Again, well done for reaching out.

In response to: Re: My story

Bright_Eyes13Casual Contributor02 July 2018, 10:15 pm AEST

Re: My story

Thank you @utopia 😊 it has been really hard reaching out for help but my friend has been really supportive and seemed to handle what I told her quite well and not pushing me to do anything like get help until I was ready and asjjed for help.

I did see a psychologist over ten years ago but I wasn't ready to receive help, I didn't want it and wasn't honest with either the psychologist or my gp. I was forced to get help and I hated it, a psychiatrist was mentioned but my gp was not very competent and didn't help me at all. I have a new gp and she seems much better but she is leaving in August so I'm frightened I'll have to go through everything with yet another new doctor in a couple of months.

I'm keen to get the process started, to begin my journey of recovery but it is nerve racking and the thought of seeing so many different people and discussing such personal issues, it's exhausting to think about.

My appointment is tomorrow morning so I'll let you know how I go.

In response to: Re: My story

utopiaSenior Contributor03 July 2018, 1:06 am AEST

Re: My story

@Bright_Eyes13. All the best for tomorrow.

In response to: My story

Unknown userMember03 July 2018, 12:19 pm AEST

Re: My story

Hi @Bright_Eyes13,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing your story :). It sounds like you have made some huge leaps forward, in being willing to take the risk of engaging honestly with a psychologist. Not easy stuff, to be vulnerable, and also of course, to open yourself up to potential dissappointment. Look forward to seeing more of your posts and reading more about your journey as it unfolds.

In response to: Re: My story

Bright_Eyes13Casual Contributor06 July 2018, 10:49 pm AEST

Re: My story

Thank you to both of you. It was very hard to talk to the psychologist, I was extremely anxious but she knew I was nervous and was really good about it. If the sessions get too much I have the option of ending them early.

Tne first appointment was just getting a bit of background info about me and my mental health. Why I was seeking help which included filling out a questionnaire along with some other paperwork.

I felt good about the appointment and I've booked another one but the next day once all the adrenaline/stress from the previous week had toned down I felt low and really blah. I'm feeling frustrated and fed up with everything again and I'm no longer keen on getting professional help.

My work has this program where you can get so many sessions a year with a counselor or psychologist for free and then they can help you find further help if needed or keep seeing the same person. The way I'm feeling atm I'm just going to get through the free sessions then I'm done with professional help. Don't get me wrong, the psychologist is good and I'm sure she can help me I think I'm feeling lazy and unmotivated and unprepared to do the hard yards involved in getting better. I'd much rather just keep handling/dealing with things on my own. I don't want to rely on my friend to help me even though she keeps saying I can call or message her anytime things get too much or whatever and I probably should be telling her all these feelings but I don't know.

My unhealthy coping skills are a little out of hand atm too, they will settle down I hope.

It doesn't help when work was going well too, but now that's all a bit, I won't go into it but I will say my boss continually lies so I can't trust anything she says or does. There's a male work colleague that makes me feel uncomfortable from time to time getting a bit too personal but I can't tell him when he's making me uncomfortable. Most of the time he's alright but yeah I don't feel well at work or at home because I'm just so... I don't know how to describe how I'm feeling.

Maybe I'll feel better after my next appointment on Tuesday.

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