Dealing with loved ones frustration and anger

Hi @DoingMyBest01 and welcome to the forum.

My situation is different from yours (I support my wife who lives with BPD) but I just wanted to let you know that you had been heard. I think you will find everyone here most helpful and supportive as we all share a common interest in supporting our loved ones.

@Bella1978 particually may be able to relate to you though. (I hope you dont mind me tagging you here Bella)

Many thanks for reading and commenting. Just good to be heard. 🌸

@Determined

Of course I don’t mind you tagging me 😊

Hi @DoingMyBest01

Welcome! These forums are great for support and advice, they have helped me immensely.

I also live with my mum who is 73 years old and also has multiple health issues, including chronic kidney disease and she had a stroke at the beginning of last year. Basically since mum’s stroke, her health has been declining. My mum has battled depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. She is very much a homebody and doesn’t go out a lot. Her connection with the outside world is basically through me – I take her to her doctors appts but also organise for us to go for drives, coffee, shops, etc. It places a great deal of strain on me as I know that if I don’t take her out, she doesn’t go out. Mum is currently in a mental health facility as her mental health was declining considerably however, at the same time she had a UTI which exacerbated her symptoms. that has now cleared up and doctors as assessing her to see whether her current moods are due to delirium or onset of dementia. Everything is very up in the air atm. this is the longest time I have had on my own without having to worry about my mum. It makes me realise how much anxiety I had around mum whilst she was at home – it just became the norm for me.

Her moods have settled down a bit now but when she was at her worst, I was constantly in the firing line. I am the person who she is closest to, and it felt like I couldn’t do a thing right. I lost count of the amount of times mum told me to pack my bags and move out if I didn’t do what she told me to do, and she used a few other choice words lol! One time I had been shopping for her and went to see her to show her what I bought, when I got there she asked me I was there to take her home, obviously I said no – he response to that was for me to go home – which I did! Lol … I can laugh about it now but at the time I was an emotional mess – not knowing what I was going to walk into when I visited mum at the hospital. She was a different woman – she wasn’t my mum anymore and I was scared I was losing her. mum is a very placid person, and trusts me 100% – I had no clue who this woman was!

Its so nice to read that you are close to your mum, as I am too. it is very hard to see our parent decline – they are the parent and we are the child, the roles get reversed though as they get older, don’t they? Do you think her change in behaviour is because of her circumstances, ie her failing health and not being able to do what she used to do? Or could it be something else?

I was just wondering whether your mum has been checked for a urinary tract infection? The symptoms of a UTI in the elderly are unbelievable and mimic symptoms of dementia. I ask because it seems your mum is behaving so out of character. Some of the symptoms are confusion or delirium, agitation, hallucinations, other unusual behavioural changes, poor motor skills or loss of coordination, dizziness and falling. My mum was getting so agitated, and hallucinating – to say I was scared is an understatement! lol

I have to admit I don’t know how you do it whilst working full time. I am mum’s full time carer, but also battle depression and anxiety, and rheumatoid arthritis.

I hope my message has helped, even just to let you know that you’re not on your own.

Hope to hear back from you 😊

Thanks Bella. Seems we have quite similar journeys at the moment.

How do I work fulltime and do what I do with mum? Sometimes, its a blessing (to get out of the house) as I really enjoy my work, it is quite demanding and takes much of my concentration which I also enjoy, other times I get frustrated because on the days that she actually feels like going out for a drive, or something (rare), I'm off to work. I am going to move to 4 days a week after August so that I will be a help having one more day up my slave to get some things done. We had a My Aged Care assessment (after mum was in hospital for 2 weeks with condition brought on by her polycystic liver and kidney disease) in the home. By the way, she did get a UTI while in there and it sent her into the most awful state just as you described. The ACAT woman was lovely but it ended up that all we were offered was a OT assessment , who never came and a few phone numbers for garden assistance which may take a year to be approved. On reflection, given all that's involved with my mum and my own life responsibilities aside from her care...we need more help. I have written back to the assessor from My Aged Care, explaining that I want a Health Care Package for mum. See what comes of that email to her.

I told mum that today was No Complaining Day for either of us (sorry..mum it is aimed at you). Lasted 5 mins... I had my crutch in the way of her walker and she had a willy. I broke my ankle last Sunday, hence the crutches and moon boot for the next few weeks. Luckily, I can drive and get around and do the things I have to do, obviously more time consuming and tiring.

I am just getting so frustrated for mum as I see a great woman having such a boring, painful life. Its more what's happening to her that "gets" me than about me. The unfairness of it all is always in my thoughts, lost her beloved husband at 44, polymyalgia since she was 60, polycystic kidneys and liver, ostoearthritis, deafness. I think she would benefit from some counselling (just to vent) but she wouldn't hear of it..why would she, she has me...LOL. Seriously, I just feel powerless to suggest anything more to try to enthuse her and get more health support as she is so fed up with all medical practioners. So the anger, swearing, groaning and puffing goes on and on.....

I better ho as I have a big presentation on Tuesday that I need to prepare for.

Bella, I appreciate not feeling so alone

Cheers and many thanks,

Hello @DoingMyBest01

Has you mum have anything like hobbies she likes doing

My mum is 86 and very independent , she has had bowel surgery where they removed 15 inches of dead bowel since then she is frail and has lost a lot of weight

I am doing more and more for her as time goes on but lots of time she won`t tell me things

My husband has bipolar 11 and I have stage 4 kidney disease with one kidney and arthritis and other physical problems

I find it sometimes hard to find the right balance for self care for myself , I find small self care is better for me to manage than large ones

my tagging is not very good at the moment @DoingMyBest01, @Bella1978, @Determined but we have a thread called "hints and tips to succes for carers "

Hi @DoingMyBest01

Sorry to read of what your mother is going through and the decline in her health. With her personality now being so out of character - to my experience this is some form of illness, more than likely senility issues and/or depression. My mother is the same age. I don't have contact with her due to past abuse - but hav been told although switch on in many ways - she is becoming paranoid (very suspicious of everyone) and very depressed; being housebound due to ill health compounds the depression. I would say your mother is suffering from similar.

I think if you contact your local community centre and ask for details about social workers in the area that visit seniors in their homes who are depressed may help your mum tremendously. Also talking to a GP that has knowledge in geriatric health issues and aging that effects their mind could also assist if you haven't already done so. Wishing you both all the best.