Set your limits for self preservation

Commonly with mental illness we lack mental strength. This strength is essential for self protection in many ways throughout our lives. If we lack mental strength eg to be decisive, face people, go shopping alone and so forth, then we have to rely on other people to pick up on that loss.

Where it becomes a real problem for us is many of us cannot place boundaries on our lives nor enforce them. If we, for example, want to stop a relative from emotionally abusing us because we are a soft target for their narcissistic behaviour, we find we cannot find the courage to fight them. We are well aware of the consequences of such conflict- guilt for losing a member of our family can take years or even our lifetime to overcome. We do not hold the capacity to convince ourselves 100% that we are justified in our actions of facing them. And they know it!

We dont seem to know what "fair" is. Is it fair for me to complain to them that they should not give me unwanted marital advice? Is it fair for me to criticise them for their lack of knowledge about mental illness and their comments about it (Eg "get over it"), am I fair to feel isolated when my friends talk behind my back about my illness saying I'm faking it?

I've had the classic example in my own life. My mother, undiagnosed BPD (denial) was destructive and unpredictably so. One week prior to my first wedding she ruined it. For many years I could not come to terms as to why. Nothing made sense. Nothing I did was worthy of that. Like many topics it was out of bounds to talk about it. I had no knowledge of mental illness at the time either. No one thought she had a MI- just left a train wreck where ever she went. Eventually my father passed away and I was her number one support person and I did all the things a good son does. But I was never good enough.

26 years later my second wedding came about. I longed for an uninterupted day. One month prior to the day she set off a chain of behavioural events that made me question if she should be invited to our special day. My adult daughter informed me that her grandmother threatened to ruin our special day set to be at a park in a country town. That was when the boundary was broken, my limits were exceeded and action was needed.

It was a solomn time in the court house. To take your mother to court for an order stopping her from being within a certain distance of the park on that day and near us for a full month. The magistrate, holding my application also had a letter from my mother. "Do you feel comfortable in making this application against a 79 year old woman"? he asked." Absolutely your worship" I answered. clearly he had no concept of my ordeal of my first wedding nor the mental fear of her rocking up yelling out loud ruining our day. "I know what's in her letter sir, I'm satisfied of my actions and only desire a calm happy day at my wedding that I'm entitled to". In that letter would have been comments like "his father would roll over in his grave" etc

He granted the order. We had a good wedding day although the fear remained with me up until the vows was over.

I received three letters after that time from my mother. Each letter was returned unopened...return to sender. I had robbed her of her power. Since then half of my relatives, those she has convinced, have disowned me and my sister. The other half have better memories of when she had interfered in their lives during will contests, expectations and manipulation.

I haven't seen my mother for 8 years and wont ever. Those boundaries were set to protect my life of which I am entitled to have, trauma free. My difficulty was the knowledge that although she has these damaging traits she was a nurturing mother when I was young. That's the tough bit. But I'm not responsible for her behaviour and lack of desire on her part to seek medical help, for that she paid a price.

Relatives and friends often make comments like- "you'd be there on her death bed though"? or "but she is your mother" I have a standard reply. "With my mother nobody knows what its like to be her child unless you are her child. I was owned by her, she was jealous of my happiness, she tried to rob me of my delights in life. A true mother doesnt do that"

So, that example was told for you to also make your own boundaries to save what little happiness you can muster in your life.

Can you set boundaries to protect yourself?

WK