I Hate the Good Times!

I take strolls at the beach, but I can't feel the ocean’s sound. I can laugh, but I can't feel the sensation it used to give me. I see kids goggling, but I can only imagine misery at the end of their lives. Happiness, achievement and satisfaction became opaque words. I lost their meanings and any feelings associated with them.

I lost me. I wish this ugly Black Dog took everything I had. Instead, it stole me! It deprived me of my feelings and desires. Every day, it chews my soul in front of me, while staring at my face with a mocking look.

All colours look the same. All sounds sound the same. All tastes taste the same. It is all grey. No distinctions, no effects and no meaning to anything. Losing your sight, hearing, touch or any of your senses is devastating. Can you imagine, though, losing all of them at once! Even worse, they appear (to others) to be there, but I can't use any of them! The Black Dog choked them all!

This ugly Black Dog gives me a break for a few hours every week. Believe it or not, I hate those good times more than I hate the bad times! Those few hours remind me of the good, old days. They remind me that life has colours, tastes and sensations. They remind me that in the past, I was able to work and make money. They remind me that I used to contribute to raising my children. However, more importantly, they remind me that I became a useless piece of sh*t.

Those breaks last for only a few hours, after which the Black Dog jumps, in a surprise, to bite my mind and choke all my mental abilities. Each time a good time episode starts, I get scared to death from the Black Dog’s sudden bite. It really hurts! I tried a lot to enjoy those few hours while they last. However, it is really hard. The guaranteed hurtful, scary end of these few weekly good hours takes away my ability to enjoy them.

You know what! I can live without sensations, colours or feelings. What really hurts the most is losing the capability to do anything useful. It is the feeling of being completely crippled, while I look to others if I am completely healthy!