Broken1Casual Contributor
Broken
Hi, new here and have been reading lots of your stories and hope at some stage to provide some positive support to others but I'm not in a place to do that with genuine confidence right now, other than pure commiseration. I am awaiting several weeks for therapy so have just jotted down some thoughts on what I'm feeling.....
Simply cut ties and walk away....that's what all the advice says...what though if every relationship In your world is built on that which you seek to escape...that sickening cycle of hate. That from which you were born. Resented from the moment you first appeared and by those that created you. It's not like a bad batch of scones you can just throw out when two cooks have a disagreement..they would if they could though. Abortion is kind after all just not acceptable to those that need it most.
When you are created by hate can you even be good? What is good? A healthy dose of narcissism? Is any dose healthy? When did it start? The beginning of time. It's still here so by my reckoning it will never end. So there is no stopping that which our existence depends and thus begins the endless quest to understand, but more importantly to cope.
So in looking to understand we find that there are these evil distorted souls that roam our planet from which we must cut ties and escape from at all costs so they say (enter endless internet resources on narcissism). What then when you find that from which you need to release yourself in order to become a moral citizen and achieve personal goals (hahaha the irony being a simple peaceful family life...forever the comedian and granted not a good one) is actually your very fabric? But not in the 'quilt of life' way more a pathetic kind of floating lint way. The rest of the family is part of that strong, supportive, grand blanket. You are the lint. Attempts at being woven into the quilt futile, the threads that make you don't lend themselves to any of the weave, and parts of the quilt truly hate each oI have been told I present as physically agreeable (no stunner but not repulsive), friendly and open. I have been successful in a career holding several long term jobs and professional qualifications and have several good people that I trust and that call me a friend. I have always been content in background roles never seeking to do more than a thorough job...but I have this crippling dark side. A paralysing anxiety that shines through every aspect of my world and means I repeat a pathetic relentless cycle of reliance on sociopathic/narcissistic personalities. I have read a lot lately after being out of work for the first time since school (due to a stress catch up) and realise now my parents and every significant relationship I have built are with people actually incapable of love. This has made me feel pure hate for myself for being so blind for so long as well as a complete distrust in all my choices and judgements going forward...kind of like a brick wall. I am not without blame, one can't be raised as I was without picking up some cr*p tendencies, mostly around attachment anxiety issues for me basically making me like a stress magnet. People know when you are weak....well, dog eat dog. I have studied long and hard sociopathy/psychopathy/narcissism and realise that from where I came 'love' was largely only for show. I'm confident I don't fall into any of those categories. Don't get me wrong I certainly recognise what it takes to be one and have seen it all around me growing up. I also know now that it makes me physically sick and over the past several years have shut out parts of my family as a result. But isn't that just repeating the cycle of hate? I also mistrust the world we live in and human tendencies in general...it is hate. Healing, I hope, lies in finding that there really is some pure human kindness and that actual love does exist and knowing how to build my world on that moving forward. I have a genuine desire and strive for harmony. I am just feeling enclosed by the blanket that surrounds me and finding it hard to know who to trust....wow my life sounds like a spy movie right? But society celebrates what I despise about my fabric and family as I am expected to. But to finish off on a positive I do have proof and have seen real kindness and love in the world. There are glimpses. Not ever feeling a part of it or being able to participate is hard for now but just hoping to learn to be the genuine, likeable, trustworthy, hard working, useful member of society I hope to be and just maybe even find a way to be woven into the quilt of life after all. Apologies for the Disney ending but we all need hope....love and light to those souls that made it through xo
Simply cut ties and walk away....that's what all the advice says...what though if every relationship In your world is built on that which you seek to escape...that sickening cycle of hate. That from which you were born. Resented from the moment you first appeared and by those that created you. It's not like a bad batch of scones you can just throw out when two cooks have a disagreement..they would if they could though. Abortion is kind after all just not acceptable to those that need it most.
When you are created by hate can you even be good? What is good? A healthy dose of narcissism? Is any dose healthy? When did it start? The beginning of time. It's still here so by my reckoning it will never end. So there is no stopping that which our existence depends and thus begins the endless quest to understand, but more importantly to cope.
So in looking to understand we find that there are these evil distorted souls that roam our planet from which we must cut ties and escape from at all costs so they say (enter endless internet resources on narcissism). What then when you find that from which you need to release yourself in order to become a moral citizen and achieve personal goals (hahaha the irony being a simple peaceful family life...forever the comedian and granted not a good one) is actually your very fabric? But not in the 'quilt of life' way more a pathetic kind of floating lint way. The rest of the family is part of that strong, supportive, grand blanket. You are the lint. Attempts at being woven into the quilt futile, the threads that make you don't lend themselves to any of the weave, and parts of the quilt truly hate each oI have been told I present as physically agreeable (no stunner but not repulsive), friendly and open. I have been successful in a career holding several long term jobs and professional qualifications and have several good people that I trust and that call me a friend. I have always been content in background roles never seeking to do more than a thorough job...but I have this crippling dark side. A paralysing anxiety that shines through every aspect of my world and means I repeat a pathetic relentless cycle of reliance on sociopathic/narcissistic personalities. I have read a lot lately after being out of work for the first time since school (due to a stress catch up) and realise now my parents and every significant relationship I have built are with people actually incapable of love. This has made me feel pure hate for myself for being so blind for so long as well as a complete distrust in all my choices and judgements going forward...kind of like a brick wall. I am not without blame, one can't be raised as I was without picking up some cr*p tendencies, mostly around attachment anxiety issues for me basically making me like a stress magnet. People know when you are weak....well, dog eat dog. I have studied long and hard sociopathy/psychopathy/narcissism and realise that from where I came 'love' was largely only for show. I'm confident I don't fall into any of those categories. Don't get me wrong I certainly recognise what it takes to be one and have seen it all around me growing up. I also know now that it makes me physically sick and over the past several years have shut out parts of my family as a result. But isn't that just repeating the cycle of hate? I also mistrust the world we live in and human tendencies in general...it is hate. Healing, I hope, lies in finding that there really is some pure human kindness and that actual love does exist and knowing how to build my world on that moving forward. I have a genuine desire and strive for harmony. I am just feeling enclosed by the blanket that surrounds me and finding it hard to know who to trust....wow my life sounds like a spy movie right? But society celebrates what I despise about my fabric and family as I am expected to. But to finish off on a positive I do have proof and have seen real kindness and love in the world. There are glimpses. Not ever feeling a part of it or being able to participate is hard for now but just hoping to learn to be the genuine, likeable, trustworthy, hard working, useful member of society I hope to be and just maybe even find a way to be woven into the quilt of life after all. Apologies for the Disney ending but we all need hope....love and light to those souls that made it through xo
