I have MH issues. I need help talking to my husband.

Hey there @Findingmyway, I don't think we've spoken before, so it's a pleasure to 'meet' you.

I wear both hats unofficially, as someone living with a mental health issue (I live with schizoaffective disorder) and someone who is the partner of someone with mental health issues (my Mrs has borderline personality disorder). It can be incredibly tricky, as someone with the mental health issue trying to reach out when things aren't going so well. You certainly don't want to upset the applecart, especially when you fear everything will be swept under the carpet so to speak. However, as a carer too, I appreciate honesty.

My Mrs and I have developed a system for gauging our mental state with each other. We can it the traffic light system. Green means everything is cruisy and all systems go. Yellow means I'm struggling a little but I'm doing so-so, a little support might be needed. Red obviously means I am really struggling and need immediate support or intervention. We don't even need to say the colour if we feel we cannot talk. We can simply leave the appropriate coloured card in a prominent place for the other to find. Often this will initiate a conversation about what is happening for one or the other and what steps if needed, are to be considered.

From reading what you have written, it seems your husband isn't really proactive about your recovery, rather relying on you taking some tablets to 'cure' you. It isn't as simple as that though is it? Has he considered talking to associations like mental health carers Australia (formerly ARAFMI)? They have some brilliant resources like a telephone line for carers.

I wish you all the very best and congratulate you for reaching out here.

Hi @Findingmyway

I'm Margot, nice to meet you.

It sounds like you're at your wits end at the moment, trying to find way to communicate to your husband how you're feeling. It can be truly exhausting to be in this space.

I wonder what your husband might say or think if he had have read your post? Do you think he'd be surprised that things have been feeling so tough for you?

It could be worth scheduling in a chat with your husband ahead of time, letting him know that you'd like to spend time together to understand how he is feeling and to help him understand what things have been like for you. A good communication strategy (you might have herd before) can be to start with "I" statements, so using sentences like "I feel....." - This aids communication by reducing defensiveness and focusing on your expereince. You might even like to start by asking him how he is feeling so that you can better understand what's going on for him - and hopefully leave him feeling more receptive to understading your experience too.

When verbal communication is feeling a bit tricky, some people find it helpful to write down how their feeling and show their writing to their partner. Alternatively, you could use what you've written to prompt conversation.

If you have a counsellor at the moment, I'd encourage you to chat to them for a bit more support around how to have the conversation. Including them or perhaps a trusted family member or friend in the discussion might help with communicating how you're feeling too.

I wish you all the best with it 🌻

Hi @Findingmyway, nice to meet you and welcome to the forum.

I will try to answer your questions from a husbands perspective but this is from my perspective so do not wan't to offend.

I agree with Darcy, I personally would not want my wife to leave during a time like this. (Unfortunately this has been raised over time, but thankfully has not happened). I support my wife who lives with borderline personality disorder and we have our moments where communication could be better. As hard as things can get for us the thought of my darling leaving has hurt and is not something I want to consider. While I do get weary of dealing with our circumstances that does not mean I don't still love her those feelings are directed at the illness not my darling, I would never say I was sick and tired of dealing with my darling, she is totally worth it.

I have to confess that my darling has often felt I have minimised or dismissed her concerns when in my mind I have thought that I have been doing everything necessary to help her. I tend to be a fixer and practice, so by providing a solution or working in the background to create an environment where my darling does not have to worry. Lack of understanding does not necessarily translate to lack of empathy. As Darcy mentioned, guys process things differently to ladies. For me not being able to talk about things has been more about me feeling inadequate in my ability to help my darling.

I have also been guilty of asking my darling if she has taken her meds when she is not coping, this is in the context that when life is getting on top of her she can forget. So again that is the practical and 'helpful' side of me coming out and in no way a reflection on my darlings abilities or my perception of her abilities. It could well be that your hubby is doing the best he knows how to support you and not that he does not value or want to understand you.

All of Darcy, Queenie & Margot's advice above is also most helpful even to me and my situation, particualy the I statements when describing how you feel. If you have any other questions I am more than happy to try and answer them from a husbands point of view.

It is a big step reaching out in a forum like this (well it was for me anyway) but I think you will find everyone here most supportive and helpful. I wish you all the best as you work through this.

Hi @Findingmyway,

How are things for you? Hope things have improved re communication and how you are travelling.

Hi @Findingmyway

THank you for the update, it is so good to hear that things are improving and your husband is more understanding. I hope things continue ot improve for you.