CrossroadCasual Contributor
The guilt of a mum trying to help her 19 year old son
Hi all,
Yes, I am new to this environment but am at a crossroad that I don't feel able to talk myself through which is what I have so far managed to successfully do.
Long, long story short:
I grew up with a brother with an undiagnosed mental health issue that saw him turn to alcohol to deal with his anxieties which eventually turned him into an alcoholic. We sought help from psychiatrists as much as we could but he was too far gone and not willing or able to make the changes in his life that were necessary. I witnessed the pain that he caused my parents and he too caused me pain for many years. Eventually, when I was pregnant with my second child, I had to put my family first and ask him not to make contact with me any longer as I was basically frightened of him and his calls/visits were too distressing. Sadly, that was the last conversation I had with him as he passed away in his rental property, alone, a few months later. His body remained there for at least a week before my parents became worried and went and found him. I was never able to see him to say goodbye and that breaks my heart.
That was over 15 years ago now and tragically, my son, now 19, reminds me so much of him. I can't believe that I am again at a crossroads in my life where I need to choose between the happiness of my two daughters and the ability for me to have some kind of normal life or that of continuing to allow my son to stay at home and make us all miserable.
He was diagnosed from a young age with ADHD and had behaviours that were challenging way beyond a normal healthy young boy. We visited so many specialists and natural therapists just trying to find someone that could help me turn on the switch that would make him feel happiness, sadly I am still trying to find that. He was finally diagnosed with Aspergers 3 years ago but having that diagnoses has only seemed to provide him with a label that he wants to 'live down' to. He does not want to make any effort to change because he considers he is born that way and there is nothing he can do about it. I get that, please don't think that I don't understand that. He is an amazing young man but with some very serious social and anger issues that make him impossible to live with. After hitting numerous brick walls and receiving very little support from health professionals or the 'mental health system' I am finally running out of ideas of what else I can do to try and help him realise that the world is worth living in. I haven't yet mentioned that he has wanted to end his life for at least 7 years now. He has no friends, no social contacts at all and because he was not able to finish even year 10 he cannot get a job.
People say to me that I have to let him take his own journey and that if he doesn't want to change there is nothing I can do. Yes, I understand that but to keep him alive I have to at least help him find something that he considers worth living for. If he can't find this alone, isn't it my responsibility as a mother to be there for him, no matter what, to try and keep him going until this can be found? But then what are my responsiblities to my other two children and my husband? Shouldn't my girls be able to feel save in their own home and not subjected to fits of rage and bullying behaviour that he dishes out to everyone on a daily basis? Are they not allowed to walk around their home and sing if they choose to or have friends over? Who's needs take priority in this situation? Am I allowed to consider any of my needs? All I ever wanted was a happy family that enjoyed each other's company and felt content with the life they had. No-one in my family is feeling that and I feel responsible for trying to fix this for everyone and it is killing me slowly!
I haven't mentioned that yes, I do have a wonderful husband. He is an incredible father but sadly there was a relationship breakdown between him and my son many years ago and my son has very little to do with him. My husband I think feels angry at my son for what he puts us through so he too trys to avoid having anything to do with him. It is therefore up to me to try and keep some sense of harmony and love in this home which is more like a battlefield every day?
Can someone please tell me what I am supposed to do? I am devastated that I am yet again in this position as I was with my brother, that of having to choose who to support? Wondering if I am allowed to have any happiness and knowing that whatever choice I make, I am never going to be able to really feel happy as someone is going to have to miss out. So often I just want to curl up into the foetal position and shut the world away but I don't have that option. You see, I should mention here also that my husband lost his job over a year ago and has not been able to find anything else yet. I therefore am also the main income earner in the home and 5 days a week, I wake up, plaster a smile on my face and try to remain positive whilst I fight peak hour traffic to get into work to do a job that is about giving of myself to other people to help them before returning home to continue to prop up the family emotionally. I believe in staying positive. I belive that things are supposed to get better but I am beginning to realise that it is going to be up to me to make a decision and that the 'perfect solution' I keep praying is around the corner is not in fact going to arrive. I live in fear every day that the Bank is going to call in the home loan and we will all be on the street or trying to sell out house way under market value because we can't afford to renovate it ready for a sale.
I am thankful everyday that I wake up in this beautiful country where the son shines and I have amazing friends for support, but I need more than this now and could really use some advice on what I can do.
