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Home for the holidays =\

Unknown userMember31 Dec 2015, 12:44 am AEDT

Home for the holidays =\

I've decided to come to my home town after four years to see my family and friends. I arrived today and I'm freaking out. It's so much to take in. Like I actually need to talk to people and I don't like people. Everyone is dressed really different and it's a different way of life to how I live so I'm going to stick out like a sore thumb and people are just staring at me like who does she think she is.

It's cool to be home and know where everything is but I feel like I got no connection to this place even though I lived here nearly 20 years. I'm nervous about being around people because they know something is not right with me and I just don't want to the 20 questions or be told how to live a good life by thinking positive and eating organic. I don't want to explain what's wrong with me and that they are stupid.

I'm scared because I haven't been in crowds of friends in over a year and know this is going to happen. I'm also freaking out because I'm away from my husband who is my in support I have and will talk to. He can just read me like a book and knows what I need and I don't have him and I'm really scared.

Has anyone else been in this situation and have any ideas to get through this with our windmill kicking anyone. Because my first thought is it party season just stay drunk.

Also last time I was here I was a very g rated girl who never drank and very sweet and now I'm 100% opposite so I'm scared how people are going to react to the new me. The me that makes me feel better and less stress.

9 replies

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In response to: Home for the holidays =\

CannonSaltSenior Contributor31 Dec 2015, 10:53 am AEDT

Re: Home for the holidays =\

It's great that you've returned to your home town to see your family and friends - I'm sure they'll appreciate you coming.

This whole self-improvement kick that everyone's on can be really grating... I try and ignore as much as I can, and if they say that they do it, say that I'm glad they've found something that works for them. (Implication being it's not necessarily for everyone.)

I'd suggest letting other people talk about themselves if you get stuck in a conversation - the advantage of this is that you won't have to talk about yourself so much, but the disadvantage is that you could feel jealous of their 'highlights reel'.

If someone asks 'what's up', if you're 'caught' looking sad at a function, you could just say 'I guess I miss my husband' and move the conversation on from there.

Offering to help with tasks can also be a good way of getting through big parties, because you're not the focus.

I wouldn't worry about losing your g-rating - I imagine that a few of your friends have made some changes, too. 🙂

In response to: Home for the holidays =\

ShimmerSenior Contributor31 Dec 2015, 11:03 am AEDT

Re: Home for the holidays =\

Hi @Former-Member,

Wow, visiting your home town after four years is a big thing! That's very brave of you @Former-Member How long are you there for? Are there particular people that you are keen to catch up with, or places you want to visit?

It's understandable that you are freaking out a bit, not having seen the people for a long time and wondering how they might react to the new you (especially without your husband there to support you!) It's great that you feel better and less stressed as the person you are now though, is there anyone who you think would understand this?

That's interesting that you feel like you have no connection to the place, do you think that sense of home has shifted to where you live now?

What are you thinking might help you get through this?

In response to: Home for the holidays =\

Unknown userMember05 Jan 2016, 2:07 am AEDT

Re: Home for the holidays =\

Hi @CannonSalt took your advice and I just got family members to speak about them self to take focus of me. I had a family lunch with my husbands family and I got a lot of the you poor you eyes and some family members canceled last minuet coming and I'm sure it's because of me.

I use that line I'm happy you found something that works for you. But they still think it will help me. So annoying. I'm not a positive thinking person. I'm a realist.

My G rating has officially gone and it's freaking people out. Especially all my family as they have never seen me drink or smoke and swear.

Hi @Shimmer ive been excited to see some friends and the encounters have been 50/50. A lot of friendships have grown apart and one of my best mates is messed up by drugs and thinks crystals and positive thinking is the key to life and is sending me quotes everyday and decided when he drove me home to do 50k over the speed limit. It has really upset me as I wish I was home before he got on the drugs as I can normally talk him out of stuff.

I'm on my holiday for nearly three weeks. It's getting harder by the day and I'm wanting my pain killers and self harm but I'm fighting it hard but it's only a matter of time. I'm also on a massive empty high and this is a quiet boring town so I'm going really insane. The only thing that is getting me through is drinking and music.

Yer I think my new place is my home. I feel so lost here. I have zero connection nor want it.

In response to: Re: Home for the holidays =\

MoonGalSenior Contributor08 Jan 2016, 10:08 am AEDT

Re: Home for the holidays =\

Hi @Former-Member, I have only just seen this thread and want to tell you how strong and resilient you are to even contemplate going home. I loved @CannonSalt's ideas and glad some of them helped. It is lways hard 'going back' in fact ther eis no 'going back' life for everyone moves on, family (in my experience0 gets stuck in a groove and expects everyone to be exactly like they always were, how stifling and rigid that way of being is.

I love it that you have found parts of you to shine and become more 'you'. Well done for even getting out there and amognst it, wasn;t an easy thing to do and you have done it.

Hope the remaining days 'fly' and when you go home you can be satisfied that you "did it".

In response to: Re: Home for the holidays =\

CannonSaltSenior Contributor08 Jan 2016, 10:48 am AEDT

Re: Home for the holidays =\

I'm glad it helped a bit, @Former-Member . If your husband's rellos couldn't come at the last minute - that could be a genuine emergency, or it could be because they didn't think they could keep their cool. That was their decision not to attend, and you can't do anything about it, really. The oddest thing I've found about pessimism is that it often leads to a more realistic appraisal of situations than optimism - as in Martin Seligman's book "Learned Optimism". I'm still not quite sure how to say 'I'd rather not get my hopes up all the time with the latest cool thing - It's all a bit exhausting.' However the downside is that it can be harder to appreciate the experiences which are surprisingly neutral or even good, when one expects everything to be horrible. You could also talk a bit about a friend's self-improvement kick, but in a kind way. When people freak out about a lost G-rating, it can be tempting to lay it on a bit thicker than usual to tease them. I wouldn't recommend laying it on thicker than usual, because the people you're mixing with are just getting to know you again, and they might not understand the joke. If I were in your situation, I'd go out exploring - visit all my old haunts, find new places. It adds to the sense of not belonging, but it also gives you some alone time and some exercise - which can help with the holiday blues. Is your home town safe enough for you to do that?

In response to: Home for the holidays =\

Unknown userMember12 Jan 2016, 12:52 am AEDT

Re: Home for the holidays =\

Hi @CannonSalt my husband got really made some relatives didn't visit me and I told him it's because they don't like me and he's like na that can't be it. So he called them and is like yer they don't know what to do with you. I was semi upset but then I thought about it and was like there loss and childish decisions not mine. I'm the one with the illness and I'm acting more normal.

I don't 100% agree with you with optimism and pessimism. I'm not an optimism, to me the glass is half empty. I don't believe in reading positive quotes every day. I just believe in seeing the world for what it is. A bunch of surprises and no matter how positive you are crap is going to happen. I though do have great experiences and don't view everything negative. I just see it how it is. There's beauty and pain and I just don't sugar coat the pain.

My friends self positive kick has nothing nice to say. It's dangerous and thinks the univers is for him and is breaking into construction sites and climbing up cranes. I'm happy he wants to better him self but what he's doing is not going to reach the real problem it's just masking it and he's going to explode.

I'm not laying on anything thick I'm just 100% being my self. I still got my caring heart and weird sense of humour I just drink now, if they can't handle my life changes well that's there issue as I've accepted there life changes and adapted to it.

I'm not allowed to be alone 😞 but yer place is safe and have explored it all in one day.

In response to: Re: Home for the holidays =\

CannonSaltSenior Contributor21 Jan 2016, 4:38 pm AEDT

Re: Home for the holidays =\

Sorry I didn't see this sooner! How did the trip go in all?

In response to: Home for the holidays =\

Unknown userMember01 Feb 2016, 11:27 pm AEDT

Re: Home for the holidays =\

Hi @CannonSalt sorry for the late reply.

The trip in all was 50/50. I had fun and I wanted to cry, I wanted to dance and I wanted to punch people.

It was nice seeing people I loved but the took all my energy. I didn't sleep much and got my self addicted again to pain meds to help me keep calm. At least it's not as bad as last time so hopefully I get my self off them again soon before it gets a bit to much.

When I got home I was really tiered and had a few mini breakdowns. I think it all caught up with me and yer I did a typical me freak out.

I'm really proud of myself that I made it that long and kept very social and happy and was very nice to everyone regardless of the pitty some showed me and the billion questions. Also being out of my routin and comfort zone and sticking out like a sore thumb due to my dress sense an attitude. City chick in a small beach town I stick out lol. But I don't think I was 100% ready and will be doing it for a while.

But then again I'm making myself keep the social part up I learnt back home still going. I think it's a good thing for me to get out of the house and try make friends.

In response to: Re: Home for the holidays =\

CannonSaltSenior Contributor02 Feb 2016, 9:00 am AEDT

Re: Home for the holidays =\

It sounds like you did really well for yourself, although you got really tired and returned to pain meds.
At least you did it! 😄 And you were social and happy and made the effort to be nice to everyone. Now that your husband has seen that his relatives can be like 'just didn't know what to do with her', maybe that'll help future big family events (weddings etc.). I'm glad that you've decided that you're going to try and keep the ball rolling on being social as something good you were reminded of on the trip. 🙂

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